Tarot Reading: True Death for a True Will
As stated in the newsletter this reading is connected to; I received a message from the beings who guided me that I should study anatomy to deepen my knowledge and become a full-fledged energy worker.
I feel resistant to this task in palpable ways.
I turn to my Enochian Tarot cards to ask why I am resistant to studying anatomy and, by extension, continue developing my energy work practice.
78. AHMLLKV (Ah-mel-el-keh-veh) Fifth Senior of Earth (Inverted)
A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 78. AHMLLKV Fifth Senior of Earth. The artwork is close to a cliff side with a cave in the background. The colors are warm. A masculine figure wears a flowing red robe, light brown skin, short brown hair and beard. He blows a ram’s horn and has a tiger lily in the other hand. The symbol of mercury is at the bottom.
The 78. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 78th card in the stack. AHMLLKV is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Fifth Senior of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.
Inverted, this card means Insanity, Confusion, Punishment, Lack of authority, Lack of purity.
I usually cite love and not fear for why I'm not fully committed to energy work. I love writing stories too much to stop and do energy work (yet I have time for other distractions).
The energy work I'm talking about is the work I was trained to do by my teacher, Gretta. It's part bodywork, therapy, energy manipulation, exorcism, and multi-reality/generation work. I spent several years (and some money) learning this practice. I left when I felt the internal message that I had learned all I could from this woman. I barely got the words out, and she pushed me out of the nest because she knew it was true. She knew I was evolving into something else.
And that's just the thing: I have these moments of clarity and feelings. More importantly, I have experienced and witnessed the direct cause and effect of our energy work.
Yet I am afraid.
I fear what I am doing is not worth my time because there's still a part of me (a more significant part of me than I care to admit) that worries this is all made up in my head. And I'm going to waste my life devoting to "supporting others' transformation" with energy work when I'm not actually doing anything to support them.
I'm haunted by the many years of my life as a Christian. Deeply devoted to something that is essentially an incarnate of global harm. Here are those feelings of waste again (a theme that has popped up in my newsletter before). The concept of waste does not serve me, but I must own it to transform it. I own the fact that I am plagued by the guilt and shame that I've wasted much of my life on Christianity, even if there are times it saved me (another topic). I thank these emotions for their clarity.
I am not pure in my devotion to this practice, so I do not pour my all into it. I feel confused and don't think I should have any authority over anyone else's life. In this case, authority akin to a therapist with a client, holding a person's vulnerabilities and guiding them through them.
It feels ironic to ask this next question using divination, but I asked the cards directly: Is energy work what I should be doing with my life?
Well, folks, I pulled…
8. ZID (zee-deh or zoad-ee-deh)The Holy Guardian Angel
The close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that centers on a nonbinary angelic figure with long blue feathers growing out of all different parts of their body, including long eyebrows, arms, hair, and back. They are topless. Their chest is round, and their ribcage is defined. The card says, 8. ZID, The Holy Guardian Angel. They hold a staff in each hand. One is ablaze at the top. They stand on a winding brick road.
The 8. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 8th card in the stack. ZID is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Holy Guardian Angel” refers to the main kind of being that directs this plane.
I'm not sure if it gets more precise than that, but let's unpack.
The words of this card are: Reality, Truth, Identity, the True Will, Masculinity (lover or husband)
I have many names.
The name I use the most is Malachi, Hebrew for my angel or messenger.
I am here to be a messenger. The method of my message does not matter as long as I am copper, exceptionally conductive.
The messages I receive could be translated by being an energy work specialist or by writing stories. What is important is my intention.
Many stories flow through me, but I only hone the ones that align with the capital "M" Message assigned to me. The Message that was given to me through my study of this energy work.
I learned who I am through my energy work, but does it have to be my future? Not necessarily.
Energy work offers me a direct route to the core of my purpose, whereas literature and media have more hoops, bells, mazes, and whistles. There are also a lot of distractions in these fields that could ground me more to material gain than to my Message of immateriality—neither is good nor bad, just different paths.
I choose to remain vigilant in my Message through all of these forms.
Later, I will ask what we need to do to release the shame that immobilizes us from following the path, but first, I ask the cards on your behalf:
What should the collective, anyone reading this, do to learn and align to their True Will?
73. IKZHIKAL (ee-Keh-zeh-hee-kal) The King of Earth
Close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 73. IKZHIKAL The King of Earth. The background is large brown mountains overlapping each other. Standing before them is a jovial, dandy masculine figure wearing a dark tunic and high dark boots that show off a bit of thigh in between. He holds a short obsidian wand in his hand. He looks blissfully off to the side with a pointed yellow crown on his head.
The 73. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 73rd card in the stack. IKZHIKAL is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “King of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.
My friends, this is a good one! An obvious one! There are not bad cards, but good as profoundly aligned with our intention.
The King of Earth grounds those who visit him in their identity and purpose.
His words are Permanence, Endurance, Sustenance, Firmness, Purposeful action, and Strength to accomplish something.
He's not who we would go to if we want change; that role is for water, fire, and air in different ways. But he is the one to go to if we want to stop spinning in unknowns, stop being flighty to our being, and stop burning out on doubt and discovery.
Come and know who you are first by looking at your past. He is a keeper of memory. Start by looking back. What is the earliest thing you remember loving to do, and why? Start to trace that path toward the present. When did you feel the most yourself?
This will inevitably bring up what stopped you from your joy and authenticity. Name those and how they tried to shape you into something that could not hold your joy.
For me, it has always been storytelling, character-making, art, and believing in the unseen.
There are loves we develop, and there are loves we are born with.
Trace the pattern to who you are now. How do your childhood pleasures and patterns manifest in your now? What are you missing? What makes you happy now and why? Question everything! Why is one of the first questions we learn, and it's essential. Ask yourself why enough, and you'll get to the core of who you are.
Then, imagine your future. What is the sustenance of your life that can endure? What do you want to be doing years from now? Not work, existence!
I'm fortunate to have a straightforward path. I love to tell stories, and the concept of an author exists to focus me. For others, goals and purposes may be exceptionally tangible or exceptionally conceptual. You could've been anything, but you are you. You are living purpose! Your existence is enough.
It takes strength to cultivate purposeful action to find YOUR goals and purpose in a world that only wants your purpose to be labor and money. Your True Will has nothing to do with your career. They can align, but your job is different from your purpose.
My purpose was easier to find because it straddles the line between material and immaterial, and unfortunately, it has some value to capitalism. You can tell stories as an oral tradition passed down to family and friends. You can channel beings beyond humanity to those who seek guidance. You can write a novel that's fanfiction of the concept of kink but barely has kink, add vampires, and make it for children, and you make millions??? Storytelling can be a lot of things.
Now, extract the essence of the patterns from your past, present, and future. Remove all time and space. You have a theme. You have a story. You have your purpose.
Why do you resist your purpose? What stands in the way of your goals? What immobilizes your joy?
The conflict can often be external. Our need to survive takes our energy from our True Will. However our Will cannot be silenced even in our struggle or lack. If I were alone and naked on a mountaintop, I would be a storyteller. If I were the next Hayao Miyazaki, making internationally beloved big-budget films, I would be a storyteller. Our status, accomplishments, or access do not define our purpose. They can inform our dreams and what we want to achieve, societal structures can inspire achievement that aligns with our purpose, but our True Will doesn’t have to deal with an achievement at all.
Then I asked, how do we confront resistance, particularly in the form of shame, that immobilizes US from our True Will?
60. LSRAHPM (Les-rah-pem) First Senior of Water
A close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 60. LSRAHPM, First Senior of Water. A thin, transmasculine figure with tan skin and swooping short blue hair stands proudly in ankle-deep water. He wears nothing but a light blue skirt so his top surgery scars are exposed, and he holds a lightning bolt in one hand and a staff with a gem on top in the other. The symbol for Mars is at the bottom. Clouds form around him.
The 60. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 60th card in the stack. LSRAHPM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “First Senior of Water” refers to the being that guides this realm.
Magical power, Passion, Lust for power over others, Desire for power and personal gain, Attraction, Fire, Ecstasy. A price must be paid for true magical power.
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" ~ Newton's Third Law.
We must counter immobilizing shame with invigorating pride!
I can feel the compulsion to modify the word pride, to make it smaller and sweeter, less loud and scary–protect you from my pride.
I experience shame for my lust and desire for power. For me, that means a lot of things. It means wanting to be a household literary name, a director of films and TV shows that become classics, not just make the things, make things that will be beloved and seen by many. It means desires I'm embarrassed to verbalize, like, if society crumbled, I can't build or grow food, but I can lead. I can guide (and cook, too).
I judge myself for wanting more money and resources, for wanting the luxury of traveling wherever I want, and how I like it. If my desire is something for me, it is inherently wrong. I then hear that old, wheezing voice: it's sinful.
Christianity is one of those religions that gets wildly reinterpreted, mainly depending on your relationship to money, capitalism, and class. I was raised with the Christianity that poor people get, an emphasis of "So the last shall be first, and the first shall be last: for many be called, but few chosen" ~ Matthew 20:16 or "I'll say it again it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" ~ Matthew 19:24. It's the kind of Christianity that makes you not question your subjugation. The type the Raven in Animal Farm represents, singing praises for how hard you work and how little you have because the real blessings are after death.
I'm grown, not a Christian, but I still see money as this barrier to paradise, this time for secular reasons: Capital H, Heaven replaced by lowercase u, utopia. I resist power for anticapitalist reasons, anarchist reasons.
On the top of my studio, I have written, "Who will you harm on your path to acceptance?" I place reminders around me to temper my attraction to power and gain.
This is not inherently a bad thing. Methodically practicing self-regulation in a world actively convincing you to join the capitalist cult is the kind of resistance we want.
But, of course, balance is required. When discipline turns to shame, the focus moves from the collective to the selfish. Shame makes you stop listening to what others need.
I am not selfish for knowing my worth as a storyteller. I'm not selfish for seeing the writers who came before, the many, many racist, sexist, successful white authors who came before, and say now it’s my turn. I do and don't want to fill the spots white men hold. That shit is stale, but they polish it to shine. Ultimately, I want to obliterate these hierarchies. I'm bucking against a system that wants us neatly categorized while simultaneously catering to it. If it can't be obliterated in my lifetime, I hope to be just one of many drops of water that dissolve the boulder. It is crumbling. But I can't contribute to the crumbling if I hide myself away.
I am not selfish for knowing I was born with skills for public speaking and boldness that make me loud and bright, with the inherent and learned wisdom to add substance to that light.
I'm not selfish for wanting to be comfortable, for my family to have security, to experience the planet that is me as I am her.
I am selfish when I allow my shame to dictate my relationship with all of these things. Shame makes me hear someone address the harm I've done, and I make it about myself. Shame makes me minimize the most beautiful aspects of my dreams and stop myself from my purpose. Shame makes me martyr myself to unsustainably serve the community without taking care of myself or deny myself access to resources I need because someone else needs them, as if there is a scarcity. There's not.
If we are going to combat the shame that keeps us small and resist the work and play we need to do to grow; we must acknowledge how truly wondrous we are.
My reader, you are glorious!
"A price must be paid for true magical power," is what this card says. What if the price IS your shame!? What if the only thing keeping you from true magic is the hate, guilt, doubt, shame, and disgust you hurl toward yourself daily?
What do we need to do to gain clarity of purpose? How can we release resistance?
59. RAAGIOSL (Rah-ah-gee-oh-sel)The King of Water (Inverted)
A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 59. RAAGIOSL The King of Water. The central figure takes up most of the artwork, with only clouds behind them. Their robes are long and deep blue. Their face is a light blue mask, and they have blue hair that fans out to the sides. They tenderly hold a golden cup in their hands near their face.
The 59. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 59th card in the stack. RAAGIOSL is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “King of Water” refers to the being that guides this realm.
This card is inverted, so its polar meaning is Destruction, Death, Ending, Lack of healing.
It's time for death.
It's time to kill what does not serve us. Killing has been associated only with those who wield weapons to harm. You kill the yam when you pull it up to boil it. Killing is an act of transition. One of the most sacred acts. One that has been harnessed for harm instead of healing and nourishing.
Close your eyes and remember your ancestors. The ones that understood when it was time to kill. Close your eyes and remember you are an animal with canine teeth. You are designed by billions of years of evolution to sink teeth into flesh, whether you eat meat or not.
When you kill something on land, it decomposes to feed soil and beasts.
When you kill something in the fire, it burns to become ash that feeds the soil.
When you kill something in the water, it is torn apart as food for scavengers.
Death is feeding, and there's little I love more in this world than feeding others.
You can kill your shame. Kill what keeps you resisting the growth you need from your purpose.
As always, it is not linear and usually not instantaneous, though I like to believe it could be. There are days I've awakened to myself, felt an old version had died, and emerged anew from simply learning something about myself. I also have lessons that will take lifetimes. One thing I know is I'd like to give my shame a quick death.
It will take careful work, as shame has marbleized into my whole being. I don't want to cut something else from me, like my compassion or empathy, on the path to cutting out my shame.
Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:
"I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself."
A nonlinear path:
Name your shame or resistances. Look them in the eye not with hate but with mercy. Shame doesn't want to exist as shame. Resistance yearns to be set free. It must die to transform.
Identify and name the patterns of your shame/resistance. Name it to yourself, write it down, and start a newsletter so everyone can know about your struggles (lol, jk, unless). Name it to the people you're in relationships with. Have them help you with accountability to move forward with your goals, release your shame, and release all that keeps you from the revolution this world requires.
Spend time with your childself. They are the ones who first learned what shame was. How did you know what shame was? When did you first learn shame? What built that lesson up for you as you grew up? What are the tactics you use to hide shame with shame that you inherited from your family and trauma? What can you say to your childself or do for your childself to make them feel safe and beloved, seen and forgiven?
Create affirmations that you can say instead of allowing stubborn, shameful, and selfish thoughts to take over. It's about rewriting even the smallest thoughts. You deserve tenderness. Kindness.
Rinse and repeat.
This is a cycle, not a line.
Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone, and anything you wish.