Speaking to your Inner Child and Spelling the Patterns ~ Tools for Finding Your Purpose

The exercise presented in this post is part of my class, “Let Your Inner Child Build Worlds.” I am sharing it with you to help you connect to your purpose in life.

I have modified my original exercise to center on self-discovery instead of world-building for writing and art. If you are interested in child work to build worlds, please look out for announcements about my workshops in my newsletter.

 Your childself is your purest self, as in, yourself distilled.

From your childself you can learn about the purpose of your existence.

A somewhat blurry photo of little Malachi around age 10. It’s a close-up of their shoulders and head. They have light brown skin and are wrapped in various shades of blue fabric with raw hems. Their hand tentatively clutches the fabric on their chest and they give a shy smile. They have close crop dark curly hair, emphasizing their brown eyes' size. They have aquatic-inspired makeup on their forehead and around their eyes to help them look like a sea dragon. The center design is a shell with blue swirls coming off either side. Splotches of white dots go around their eyes and down the sides of their face. They have a light blue on top of eyelids that extends in a long swirl. They did this makeup themself. In this self, I see my magic and bestial forms that I have softened for the world. I see my connection to the primordial ocean and Mami Wata, a repeated figure in my life.

Much of psychology focuses on the impacts on your childhood and how they affect your development. That is undoubtedly a part of this work. Because that is such an accessible mode of self-discovery and there are a lot of resources about it, I will not be discussing varying methods of trauma and psychological in specific detail besides Active Imagination.

…

At the end, we will accumulate the information received into a practice of pattern work.

Pattern work should come with a practice of self-awareness and precaution.

Pattern work has the potential to trigger obsessive behaviors and even paranoia, especially when we use pattern work to make meaning of ourselves.

If you are prone to such mental processes, ensure you have a system for grounding yourself, or do this work with a professional or someone you trust.

Tools of support like divination or even astrology can become mind-altering addictions that can elicit feelings of dependency or control if not handled with a grounded inner self.

Please proceed with deep self-awareness. If you don’t have a consistent, trusted metaphysical or spiritual practice, please proceed with this exercise from a grounded place.

 ...

The inner child work I offer is informed by Black Quantum Futurism’s understanding of cyclical time, which posits that we can influence the future and the past to shape our present.

Your childself is a resource for understanding who you truly are because:

• Rawness - Before socializing, society shaped you away from yourself.

• Maybe you have never had the privilege of a raw self. That’s ok, too. You can find your inner child even if you could not BE a child. Your childself existed no matter how much your experiences tried to prove you otherwise.

• Essence of the Soul - A child, in terms of linear time, is closer to primordial time.

• . Primordial time also refers to the time before you were formed when you were only consciousness.

• Joy - The joy of your childself is the joy of who you are.

• Joy is not as simple as a moment of happiness. Joy is when everything that YOU ARE aligns with what you are experiencing.

With these reasons in mind, we will employ a practice inspired by Jungian Active Imagination to create portals that access our child self.

 What is Active Imagination?

I love Chen Malul’s definition:

“Active Imagination is Jung's way of invoking and essentially willing visions from the unconscious into being.”

Malul has a lovely Substack article about Active Imagination here.

While some people cannot visualize in their mind’s eye, it is still possible to engage with your inner child through verbalized thought, or however, engaging with your mind feels natural to you.

 …

Pre-exercise cleansing of energy:

This is where we take time to acknowledge all that has shaped us into adults and express gratitude for these experiences. Why?

No matter what you experience, out of infinite possibilities, your life is yours. Gratitude for these experiences shapes your mind and heart into one of openness and receptivity. 

It is essential to express gratitude for all you have experienced. This means that regardless of the version of you that appears in these exercises today, you are grateful for them and will remain open to learning from them. 

If this pre-exercise is as far as you get today. That’s good. That is where you are. Come back again when you’re ready for the next step.

The phrases are written in a collective pronoun to encompass all of your selves everywhere you exist, in all time and reality. If it is more comfortable to say “I” or “I” feels like it does the job of encompassing all of your selves, by all means, use “I.”

… 

Before the gratitude pre-exercise, say a protection. Your protection should always come before any energy work.

This is a recommended protection for you:

“We are safe and secure throughout our existence as we journey into our consciousness and communicate with our many selves. Only energy with the intention of my highest good and protection may meet me here.”

Next gratitude:

You do not have to say these exact phrases, but it's good to ask yourself why you do or don’t want to say something, even if it's just a passing acknowledgment of your rejection. It’s always good to ask yourself questions.

Deep Breath. Close your eyes. Repeat these phrases as many times as you need.

We acknowledge the breath and life in our body through time and existence.

We thank you

We acknowledge the pain and conditioning that shaped us.

We thank you. 

We acknowledge those who could not raise us and those who tried to raise us while raising themselves.

We thank you.

We acknowledge all that made us laugh and all that made us cry.

We thank you.

We acknowledge all that we did not have, and all that was enough.

We thank you.

We acknowledge every opportunity lost and never afforded to us.

We thank you.

We acknowledge the games and play that have shaped us.

We thank you.

We acknowledge the care we had to give ourselves.

We thank you.

We acknowledge the labor and work that has shaped us.

We thank you.

We acknowledge the fellow children who grew alongside us.

We thank you.

We acknowledge where our education benefitted us and where it harmed us.

We thank you.

Continue with anything else you need or what to acknowledge and end with.

We thank you.

We thank you.

We thank you.

Take three deep breaths.

Open your eyes if you have them closed.

 …

I’ve designed these Active Imagination exercises. After each exercise, I prompt you to write or draw your thoughts and images. 

First Active Imagination Exercise: An exercise about about joy. Minimum 5 minutes.

This first exercise is observation only. Watch your childself as you relive memories or imagine fiction about your childhood. If you find yourself becoming your childself in your mind, seeing from a first-person point of view, don’t fight that. 

This exercise can be done sporadically or continuously.

What I mean by this is that you can imagine something in its entirety and then write it down, or you can alternate between imagining and writing.

Imagine moments that brought you joy, either watching your childself or being your childself. 

You could focus on one big moment or flicker between memories and moments. 

Imagine the moments when you felt most aligned with yourself—the most joy. 

First Writing Exercise 

Write down everything that you have experienced and seen. 

 …

Second Active Imagination Exercise: Imagine how you imagined as a child in play. Minimum 5 minutes.

You’re putting yourself into your child mind. It does not matter if it’s accurate or speculated.

How did you like to play? What worlds did you create? What shows or books did you place yourself into? What did you imagine when you ran through the playground? Where and how did you find yourself fantasizing? What came up in your imagination that frightened you? What dreams did you have? 

This could also be about how you engaged with your special interests. To use the rocks example, what enraptured your attention about looking under rocks? What about dinosaurs, machinery, or disco captured your imagination? 

You can learn about yourself from childhood joy, but also childhood fear. If you are comfortable, you can take a moment to recall what it was like to be afraid as a child and what you were scared of. Try to focus on fears that do not have an obvious experiential root. For example, if you focus on being afraid of dogs because a dog bit you, that is a fear with an obvious experiential root.

An example of a less obviously rooted fear could be the fear of staring eyes (something I was afraid of). I had no tangible reason to fear staring eyes. Any drawing of anything that just stared at me gave me immense dread, such as the “quiet pet” from Dr. Suess’s book, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.

The purpose of engaging with fear is to identify recurring themes and patterns. Don’t dwell in fear unless your childself directly asks you to. If that’s the case, they may be trying to show you something.

Practice sensory thoughts, such as picking up an object you love to feel its texture or hearing the voice of your favorite cartoon character and responding to that character.

 Take the time to be in that space playing pretend or enraptured by what you’re learning about or playing with. Be there now. You are your childself now.

Second Writing Exercise: Record your observations. Was there a particular scene you imagined? Where did you travel to? What sparked in your mind as you learned that new thing?

 …

Third Active Imagination Exercise: Your childself and the world. Minimum 5 minutes.

 This exercise requires balancing some additional elements into your imagined space.

 This could be an extension of play, as you bring in other people to play with you, but this prompt is more expansive.

 Focus on your childself by being or observing them, and be with them as you imagine how they interacted with others and responded to different scenarios.

 These elements could include specific friends, family members, or other vivid figures from your life. It’s important not to be swept up by the personalities of others and instead ground in your childself’s reaction to that person.

Think about friends.

Did you have a best friend? What about them made them your best friend? How did your friendship start and/or end? Feel into those moments.

How did you feel when you saw your friends get hurt?

Think of your family.

What lessons stuck with you from your elders, and how did it feel to learn them?

How did you feel or see yourself as similar or different to your family?

How did your parents live within you and your actions? How did that contradict or affirm what you felt in the core of yourself?

Think about animals.

What was your relationship with your pets?

Do you remember seeing an animal for the first time and feeling afraid? How does that feeling contrast with now?

What animal did you embody with your body and play?

How did you feel about hurting insects? How did you feel about hurting animals? How did you feel to see creatures hurt?

Think about plants.

How did it feel to put your feet in the grass?

What was your relationship with the outdoors, and how did that make you feel?

What flowers were your favorite?

How did you feel when you saw a chopped-down tree?

Fourth Active Imagination Exercise:

Write what you experienced.

How do these moments reveal your childself’s relationship with the world?

 …

Last Active Imagination Exercise: Speaking directly to the childself. Minimum 5 minutes.

I’m leaving this open for you to interpret. You could go into your imagination as you are now and speak with your childself, or you can be a child speaking to another child version of yourself. It doesn’t matter what their age is, and it may shift as you speak to them. Make note of that too. Be with them and have a conversation. It could be about anything, but the most important thing to do is ASK your childself WHY! Always ask in the collective pronoun “we” to continuously enforce that although you speak to a separate figure, you are one.

 All manner of why questions.

Why did that sound bring you joy?

Why did we love the texture of that food?

Why did that book series capture our imagination so much?

Why did we want to be a dragon?

Why did thunderstorms scare us?

Why were we so obsessed with purple?

 Be with your childself now. Tap into that childself wonder!

What do you want them to know?

How do they respond to you? 

Fourth Active Imagination Exercise: Write that moment down.

Pay attention to where people engage with you in a way that feels intrinsically aligned with you and when it feels harmful or pulls you in an unnatural direction.

 …

You’ve collected unconscious data as a method of learning about your inner child and rawest self, which are the building blocks for your purpose.

 …

Final Writing Exercise: PATTERN WORK

It’s summary time!

You will distill the distilled into a description of your purpose in this life.

It’s time to interpret the symbols and receive their message.

That’s right. You have become your own divination tool!

It’s time to identify connections and patterns in your gathered information. However, pattern-keeping looks for you; that’s how you should organize the material.

To look for patterns is to pay attention to repetition.

What are the rhythms of your childself?

 Where are the contrasts that confuse you or the ones that intrigue and excite you?

What feels the most potent to you?

These patterns are a map. The map illustrates the core themes, motifs, and symbols that represent you, as every life is simply a story.

 What story is contained in the map, and what does it reveal regarding your purpose?

Some of the things you love and fear come from parallel realities that touch you or may stem from ancestors passing down their joy and fear through genetics.

 The concept of parallel reality is the idea that, instead of existing in a linear time with a past and a future, all time exists simultaneously. What we experience as “past lives” are parallel lives that exist alongside us, with which we have strong bonds.

The map shows you the worlds, personalities, and realities trying to speak to and through you. What are the connections and contrasts telling you? 

Can you simplify it in a paragraph?

Can you simplify it in three sentences?

Can you simplify it in a sentence?

Can you simplify it in three words?

Can you simplify it into a single word?

And there you are.

Guidance for your purpose. It was in you all along.

…

P.S. If you have gone through the exercise and want more, repeat this exercise for your entire life. Patterns have always been with you.

What aspects have you returned to from your childhood that were lost in the litter of life?

Tarot Reading: Courage to be Satisfied

This reading is connected to my January 2024 newsletter.

A quick heads up before we begin!

One of my Encochian cards uses a Hindu symbol of prayer on it that looks alarmingly like the Nazi symbol. The word swastika is derived from the Sanskrit roots su (good) and asti (to prevail), and it “represents the fourth state of consciousness, which is beyond waking, sleeping and dreaming,” which you will see is relevant to that card’s energy of purging consciousness (BBC). Check out this BBC article to learn more about this symbol’s history. The Hindu symbol will always have arms lying flat, but other cultures used variations of this symbol way before the Nazis.

Let’s begin.

This tarot reading results from a saturation of the theme of work, both in reflections and experiences, this past January. As I wrestle with the tiny, tangible details of survival, I desire to step back and contemplate on an expansive, even cosmic scale. 

I ask questions for the very broad “we.” Whether or not you’re included in the “we” is entirely up to you. In my imagining, I ask this question for all of us under the pulse of capitalism and globalization. I’m seeing our experiences as lessons we are moving through.

I think divination can aid in providing specificity or clarity in our journey. 

So I ask: 

What is the state of our current relationship with work?

50. AVTOTAR (Ah-veh-toh-tah-reh) Fifth Senior of Air 

Close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 50. AVTOTAR Fifth Senior of Air. The background is bright yellow, and a masculine figure with firey short hair stands with a sword and cane aloft. He wears a short orange dress with thick legs and wings that swirl around him like windstorms.

The 50. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 50th card in the stack. AVTOTAR is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Fifth Senior of Air” refers to the being that guides this realm.

Strong solar energy.

The principle that rules our relationship to work is masculine energy or the masculine principle. To unpack that statement, we have to unpack the concept of gendered energy I’m working with. 

To discuss gender, I think it’s helpful to break down gender into three general categories: biological, symbolic, and power dynamics. They are all interconnected, of course, but the categories help us navigate the tangled genetics of our idea of gender. 

I wrote about biological gender in my poem/essay, “Boi’s Blood,” featured in The Tea, about trans identity and menstruation. Here’s a stanza that summarizes that perspective for me: 

“Nature does not see itself as male or female. We projected our perceptions. Nature does not see gender; nature seeks balance and forms its shapes and life by that need alone. Some bodies give birth; some bodies spit acid; some bodies wear bright plumage; some bodies shed skin in slinking trails; some bodies have antlers, and some bodies can change between being able to be pregnant and being able to impregnate depending on the environment. These are beings with functions adapted to suit their needs and desires to fit within their larger ecosystem ultimately. It is a call and response. A uterus is just an organ. An egg is just a vessel. The body that holds these is a body and a being that decides one's role and identity.”

Nature doesn’t gender itself. Nature has many different roles and forms to fill those roles. 

Power dynamics breaks down the anthological and historical understandings of gender through religion, colonization, property, feminism, trans rights movements, etc. We’re pretty familiar with talking about that one. 

The patterns in history are influenced by symbolistic gender. 

Humans had a somewhat collective matriarchal past, worshiping goddesses indistinguishable from the natural world, an embrace of death, darkness, and the unknown. The feminine principle is much more intangible. The development of technologies and industry gave rise to concepts of patriarchy and monotheistic masculine god worship/sun worship. Cultures like the Holy Roman Empire would form strict hierarchies of their sun god and spread Christianity throughout the region known as Europe, and then, you sadly see the rest. 

Many cultures still cling to matriarchal lineages of belief systems despite colonization’s brutality.

Symbolistic gender is derived from human patterns, a kind of “collective unconscious” where we intrinsically share deep-seated ideas about what feminine and masculine mean despite our specific cultural and personal contexts. An example of an archetype is the Greek goddess of magick, Hecate, who embodies the gendered symbols of the maiden, mother, and crone. 

If you study older magicks or really most magick systems, gender plays a vital role in the symbols and emotions of that work. Enochian magick, the magick influencing my deck, is no different. 

It has felt important to me to take on the topic of gendered energy intimately into my work as a part of my commitment to balance. Reclaiming divine feminine energy is key to my writing and art as a part of that rebalancing. Uplifting the divine feminine also influences my objective political opinions: we will not be free until all black transwomen are free. 

Masculine and feminine symbolize different elements of the universe, like the physical world, which is made of elements. We have ascribed gendered elements to what has been seen as a binary for a long time. As Earth's elements change form and join together under various environments, so too does the concept of symbolistic gender. It is also meant to be flexible and can be transmuted in multiple ways. Nonbinary and transness are physical examples of that mutability.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY!

The Fifth Senior of Air has come to us to declare that our relationship with work is inherently masculine. 

Masculine brings what is unconscious into consciousness. It is the making and creating of things, objects, and materials. You can touch masculinity. It is obvious and straightforward. Masculine is the sun, and it illuminates the day, the time in which we work, whereas the darkness is where we rest, historically speaking. Masculine is sun gods, gods of lightning, creation, illumination, ideas, forging, discernment, and ideas. 

When I asked about our relationship with work, I expected a nasty card of subjugation or oppression (they’re in this deck, trust me). Of course, the deck subverted my expectations because I didn’t ask about capitalism; I asked about work, work, just the concept of labor. The concept of labor in and of itself is not subjugation! 

The bee labors for nectar. 

The mother bat carries her infant miles to suckle cactus blooms. 

The squirrel searches for nuts most of the year to bury, and many of those nuts are forgotten; then, those nuts labor to grow and become trees. 

The masculine principle of transmuting unconscious concepts into tangible objects is beautiful. I’m personally super attracted to crafters/crafty people and people with physical trades; I'm just saying. This is because I have the strong feminine principle of intuition, unconscious, death doula work, and intangible reality in me, and I know I need people like that to survive! That does NOT make my gender more feminine than a woman who can build a house (hi, call me). It defines the most potent and easeful state of my energy as I move through this world. 

The question is, IS our relationship with work BALANCED? 

Many cards in this deck blend masculine and feminine energy, but this is not one of them. It is strictly masculine- a blazing sun at high noon in the middle of August. 

It’s too damn hot!

It’s safe to say that our relationship with work is not balanced. While our masculine relationship to work is not wrong, it is influenced by a history in which masculine is seen as the ONLY right way. 

Our skin is burning. We are exhausted. The planet’s resources are depleting. War and industry are lovers. Capital is valued as the pinnacle of freedom. We must pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. 

These are all results of an imbalance of masculine energy. 

Too much creation, not enough rest or emotional consideration or spiritual consultation. 

So I will ask the cards. 

What would a healthy and sustainable relationship to work look like? 

82. IBPR (eh-beh-par) Kerubic Angels of Earth (Inverted)

Close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 82. IBPR Kerubic Angels of Earth. The background is bright yellow, and a massive tree grows in the center. Several angels wearing long blue robes with large wings tend to the tree and sit in the tree.

The 82. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 82nd card in the stack. IBPR is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Kerubic Angels of Earth” refers to the beings that guide this realm.

This card carries a similar course of action to the last: “...any kind of precipitation from formless ideas into form and definition.” 

This is similar to the solar masculine principle of intangible into tangible, but IBPR is defined by earth, and the symbol is a tree, not the sun. 

The angels tend dutifully to this massive tree but also sit in it, resting. 

A tree is a perfect symbol for balancing masculine and feminine principles because it requires the sun (masculine) and more fluid or intangible materials like water or carbon dioxide (feminine). 

I’ve been reading Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, and she provides many examples of how human abandonment of nature does not necessarily foster flourishing biodiversity and ecological health. Many species, like the titular sweetgrass, benefit from a symbiotic relationship with human labor. 

However, I also received this card inverted. 

It is as if there are so many obstacles between us and making this sustainable relationship work that even our healthiest vision has to tell us about ourselves–reveal our rot- before we can even imagine this potential. 

They want us to recognize a sense of lack. 

Rough.

The book reads that this inverted card represents a lack of guidance, completeness, growth, and control. 

Rough.

But we can take the feedback. We NEED to take the feedback. 

Work can fill voids. If we don’t feel complete, we work. If we don’t have a purpose guiding our life, we work. We don’t know how to grow beyond our job’s upper mobility and have a hard time imagining what our society would look like if work was not the defining factor of order and value. 

These are the sore spots we must tend to, and we must tend to them first in ourselves before anything and anyone else. 

It starts with asking yourself questions and following their threads. There are some starter questions at the end. 

I pull one more card. To offer more guidance on our journey of recontextualizing, revitalizing, and restoring our relationship to work. 

What is required to allow us to step into the reality where we have a balanced relationship with work? 

30. TEX (Teh-etz) The Four Regions (Inverted)

Close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 30. TEX The Four Regions. The background is split diagonally between green, red, yellow, and blue. Blue has symbols of karma. Yellow says Desire and Emotions. Red says Silence and Inertia and has the Hindu swastika. Green says Restriction and Limitation.

The 30. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 30th card in the stack. TEX is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. The Four Regions define this realm.

If you read the first tarot reading for my newsletter, you would know that Enochian magick is derived from a reality of angels. This reality is dedicated to the experiential/spiritual evolution of consciousness. These realities have layers of dimensions, each with its purpose, environment, and energy. These dimensions are called Aethyrs (old-timey way of spelling ether). 

TEX is the thirteenth Aethyr, described as the Aethyr closest to our Earth’s consciousness. The four cardinal directions influence it, and in each direction is an intense state of emotions. If you think of Aeythrs like skin care, you must first wear the volcanic clay mask, it kind of burns, but it removes the toxins from your skin to better absorb the following treatments. TEX absorbs all these emotions from Earth to purge them for the clarity required to follow your spiritual journey. 

TEX is dense. 

The journey to balancing our relationship with work is dense and categorized by emotional intensity. Still, the reward is a purging of all that does not serve us (and glowing skin!) 

And yet, I received this card inverted. 

The card right side up is characterized by fear and silence. This Aethyr is overwhelming and honestly painful in its transmutation process. 

Inverted, this card represents courage and satisfaction. 

Yes, the card tells us that the road is dense, but not without satisfaction. Satisfaction is the opposite of lack, the warning from the previous card. 

If lack represents our current relationship with work, then the balm must be satisfaction. Satisfied with what? I think that’s up to you. 

What if we worked from a place of fulfillment? What would our work look like then? How would we feel about work? 

As work is tied to survival, your mind might immediately go to a lack of material fulfillment—all the ways the system works exactly how it’s supposed to, to exploit you, hollow you, starve you. How can we be satisfied when our working conditions are extractive? 

No, no, don’t be satisfied with that. 

Be courageous in the face of injustice. Be satisfied in your inner world. Be satisfied with yourself so that no matter what. When they try to tell you that you are not enough and that you require more, you will not be shaken. 

We need courage in the face of the painful and dense path to a balanced relationship to work. You are ready for this transmutation with the courage to move forward and satisfaction in who you are.

To connect this card to the first card, this dense path requires embracing feminine principles to balance the overwhelming masculine principles. 

Emotionality. Empathy. Intuition. Rest. Darkness. Malleability. Uncategorized. Unexplainable. Unknown. Release. Interconnectivity. Tenderness. Magick. Sustainability. The Earth Herself.  

Courage to not know every answer and value the vastness of mystery. Satisfaction in the slower pace of what the Earth naturally provides. Courage to be vulnerable. Satisfaction that allows for deep rest. Courage to rely on others. Satisfaction with intangible concepts and processes. 

Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with protection:

"I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself."

Nonlinear, nonrequired questions 

• Where do I see masculine and feminine principles and symbols influencing my life? Internally and externally. (Remember, this is not your gender/sex identity, but you’re welcome to list those aspects if you want.)

• How can I integrate more feminine principles into my work, relationship to work, and work life? 

• What is my role in growing the tree of our balanced future? 

• Where could I use more courage in my life and/or in my relationship to work? 

• What would make me feel more courageous, internally and externally?

• Where am I not satisfied in my life, intangible and tangible? What is in my direct, conscious control—internally or externally?

• What would my life look like/be like if I were satisfied?

• What would my life be like/look like if I were courageous? 

• Where can I seek support on this dense journey? Where is my interconnectivity, and how can I continue to foster it? 

• How can I incorporate more rest in my life?

• Where can I let go of my need to know and/or be in control? 

• Where can I step up in my responsibility towards rebalancing myself and/or the systems?

Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone and anything you wish.

we thank you

we thank you

we thank you

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Tarot Reading: Depression is a Dune Waiting to Dance.

This reading is connected to my December 2023 newsletter on Substack.

Winter is embalming, preserving us not in spices but in cold and time.

What feels like stagnation might be keeping us from decay. Here in the Northern Hemisphere, our Mother Earth asks us to rest.

In the slowing of winter, it feels appropriate to reflect on our relationship to depression, a common infliction that rises with the setting of the sun.

I’m not psychologically trained. I’m not a therapist or clinician. When I reflect on depression, it is from a personal perspective.

I have experienced depression most of my life, and that is a fact I’ve only recently accepted. For a long time, I confused productivity/activity with health. What looked like a “high achieving” child/young adult was a person who was profoundly ill. This illness flows to/through me in waves. ADHD can be triggered by low serotonin in the brain. While there is no concrete evidence that depression is contingent upon serotonin, it can’t be ignored that serotonin is the chemical messager that upholds mood stability. This year has been a crescendo of loss after years of heartbreak. I’ve had four breakups this year alone. This has been devastating, but it also felt aligned with my Lifepath One year—my relationship with individuality; you can read more about that in my September Newsletter. I’m ending the year exhausted, exceptionally low. I feel a hollowing in me.

A hollowing that threatens to dehydrate my spirit and grind what’s left into a noxious powder easily choked on.

My loves, when the world asks us to hollow, we answer by going deeper.

I will go deeper, asking questions of depression.

I’m speaking about depression from the standpoint of my energy work, and spirit, which may not be for everyone. My reflections are not a “better way.” I am only offering my perspective/the perspective of the beings who guide me.

One thing I will make clear from the start is I believe in medication. I think medication is just as much energy manipulation as what I do because I believe everything comes from the same source of energy. The trick is the intention behind that energy and what you do with the energy.

Earth has provided us with all the components for our healing through plants and elements; medication is a concentrated craftsmanship of Earth’s offering. The problem is the pharmacy industry, not the medicine itself.

I’m on prescription knock-off Wellbutrin for my depression, anxiety, and ADHD. It’s been very supportive paired with my spiritual work, as you’ve likely been seeing in my tarot readings.

I am both lifted and slowed.

The heartbeat of hibernating creatures slows profoundly. For black bears, “Active heart rates fall from 80-100 per minute to 50-60 per minute, and sleeping heart rates fall from 66-80 per minute to less than 22 per minute” (North American Bear Center).

Hibernation calls for a slowing of blood, essentially the slowing of our lives.

But depression turns rest into a loss of agency.

I can’t help but think about depression as a bloodbender. It forces my mind and body low. It crushes and controls.

A looping clip from Avatar the Last Airbender of Katara, a light brown indigenous teenage girl with dark flowing hair. She has large blue eyes, a dark red one-shoulder top, and a matching shirt. Her body is being controlled by Hama - an elderly indigenous woman with light skin. She has long white hair and is wearing a dark robe. As Hama moves her arms, Katara’s body contorts until she can’t move. Her eyes dart around, panicking.

We could talk on and on about WHAT depression is, but I want to reflect on WHY depression is. Why are we made to feel out of control of our minds and body? Why does our body drain of love for ourselves or motivation to do what we want or what needs to be done?

Not why, as in what the brain is doing, why from a spiritual perspective—a question of purpose.

I have a new divination tool. If you’ve read my readings before, you know I primarily use Enochian Tarot cards. You can read about them in my first Tarot reading. 

It’s a magnetic poetry set for children gifted to me as a solstice gift by my friend and housemate, Eppchez. It was theirs from childhood. I’ve done three readings thus far, which were all quite potent. We can attune anything to divination; it’s simply about intention. This instrument did not require much attunement; I felt an instant connection. Magnetic poetry was one of my favorite “toys” as a child. It felt like reuniting with an old friend.

Essentially, I ask a question or a request of the words and then close my eyes. I then feel, mentally and physically, such as tingly in my fingers guiding me to the words. Then, I focus more on which of the words I touch, which is for the reading.

For this reading, I started with protection and asked my cards and letterbox (my current name for the magnetic poetry set) permission to use them (they said yes).

Then I ask.

What is depression’s purpose in our existence?

The letterbox gave me three words:

dune

turtle

fire

I then pulled out an Enochian Tarot card and received

74. LAIDROM (el-ahee-dar-oh-em) First Senior of Earth

A highly saturated image with a cream background. On top is an Enochian Tarot card and three magnetic words that read, “dune,” “turtle,” and “fire.” A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 74. LAIDROM First Senior of Earth. The artwork is a short light tan person with short blonde hair and a beard with a green tunic. This person has a feminine “sexual current,” according to the card signature. They have small green wings and are holding a sunflower. In the background are three huge dunes and below them is the mars symbol. The 74. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 74th card in the stack. LAIDROM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “First Senior of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.

I see the words form the structure of this reading.

Dune is the container of the message. It takes the most space.

Turtle is the narrative shift. It is brief but potent. 

Fire is the answer. It leads us to the second card.

The defining words of the First Senior of Earth are:

Purpose, Will, Motivation, Aspiration, Rest, Good Health, and the Necessary energy required to accomplish a task. 

When I was pulling a card for this question, I thought we would get a card laced with negative or low vibrational energy, maybe even this card inverted, which represents:

Lethargy, Apathy, Lack of purpose, Sickness, Lack of energy. 

Now, those words sound more like depression than the right-side-up version of this card, but we were given the positive or high vibrational words to understand the collective purpose of depression. 

Behind the angel of this card are dunes—an emphasized concept. That is where I’ll start my contemplation/interpretation.

Dunes have collective movement, shifting, and stillness–a continuous landscape.

I’m being asked to think of depression as a collective lesson, not a personal lesson. 

This might be difficult because you want to know why YOU are depressed. But you are not a dune; you are a grain of sand, and you are not alone in this experience of depression. We are moving through it together.

Let’s recontextualize. 

What is the purpose of depression collectively? Why is depression a common experience for the whole of humanity? What can we as a species learn from depression?

There are many versions of collectivity, so why the image of dunes? 

“Dunes form when wind blows sand into a sheltered area behind an obstacle.” ~ National Geographic 

This is an image of a collective that is sheltered into shape; one could even feel trapped. We are gathering behind the obstacle of depression. 

The First Senior of Earth contains a “powerful sleeping energy” similar to the Kundalini. Kundalini is a word for potential spiritual energy. It is often described as a coiled snake at the base of the spine. This is very similar to the Sex Magick of Isis and the Alchemies of Horus, the version of this practice I am studying, derived from the Magdelen Manuscripts.

The “fire” divined from the letterbox is the Kundalini. We will return to that. 

A dune is swelling potential energy, but unlike a balloon, a dune is a building energy that never bursts. It’s not a fixed space; we’re not truly trapped. A dune grows, but it also shrinks and changes shape slowly.  

Is a turtle trapped in its shell? No, its shell is a shelter, its spine and protection. Depression is something innate in us, trying to protect us. Not all protection serves our needs and purpose. “Purpose” is the first signature word of the First Senior of Earth.

Through “turtle,” I am receiving the translation that depression itself is a conscious being, one that thinks it is protecting us, keeping us safe from a harmful world. 

I appreciate the visualization of the conditions of the human experience in the show “Big Mouth” (Netflix). I think my point is well illustrated by the depiction of depression in the show.

A looping gif from Big Mouth of a huge anthropomorphic purple cat resting on the chest of a redhead preteen girl who says, “Oh, you’re a little heavy.”

In “Big Mouth,” depression is called Depression Kitty, and even when she puts self-deprecating thoughts in Jessi’s (the redhead) head, it’s to keep Jessi from situations of risk, situations that could get her hurt. Depression Kitty locks Jessi away in a metaphoric padded room in Jessi’s mind; she provides warmth and ice cream. Depression is a possessive friend.

Depression fuses with us like a shell to our spine, sealing away our tender parts, as “…a turtle’s shell is living bone” (Chattahoochee Nature Center). Depression’s protection is active, not passive.

It’s a protector of potential energy that is far too effective in its job, so effective that it immobilizes us from what we want or need to do. Depression manifests when we are navigating particularly harrowing circumstances. My childhood depression started when I was moved to a rural, nearly all-white school full of bigots. Parts of me muted and shut down to survive daily onslaughts of violence. Collective depression rises while living in a world with increasing creative ostrocities. The hopelessness is a surrender, and surrender can be mistaken for release and even feel momentarily pleasurable. 

The key to healing is always accepting what you are experiencing. It is ok to claim you have depression, and it’s ok even to admit that sometimes depression feels good. Sometimes, the sorrow of depression is more comforting than facing a sharp, bitter, and uncontrollable world. 

It may be time to talk to our depression. It may be time to say thank you to depression collectively:

• Thank you for your protection, depression; I do not need you anymore. 

Swirling gif of sand flowing off of dunes.

It’s not an instantaneous magick; the winds must pick up and reshape the sand. We must catch the wind to move out of the dune; the environment must line up just right. This could mean medication, therapy, habitual change, more sunlight, the use of affirmations, support from the community, and more. What and who will you gather as your wind? Then how can you direct that wind to ignite and feed your fire? 

Dunes, turtles, and fire all share the commonality of heat. Warmth is not my first thought when I think about depression, mainly because my depression increases when it’s cold outside and I have less access to the sun.  

All signs point to fire, to our smoldering potential energy. We were given the high vibrational words of the First Senior of Earth because the lesson of depression emphasizes what we want because we cannot access it. We potently feel lack. We will not learn from depression by fixating on how it hurts us; we are already living that hollowing. 

When depression wants us to hollow out, we respond by going deeper.  

We are being asked to focus on what is buried beneath the depression; only then can we understand this collective lesson. 

Our fire, Kundalini, Ka body, potential energy, and life force are buried within us.

I’ll ask one more question.

How can we move through this depression lesson (cultivate our wind) to access our fire, life force, and Kundalini within?

15. OXO (Oh-tzoh) The Cosmic Dance

It is a highly saturated image with a cream background. On top is an Enochian Tarot card. A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 15. OXO The Cosmic Dance. She is depicted as a white woman with abundant purple hair expanding outward. She’s dancing on top of the earth with stars swirling around her. She holds a rose and a cross, symbols of masculine and feminine energy, as she holds both. To me, she is a transwoman who has chosen femininity consciously and unconsciously. She is a dancing goddess. The 15. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 15th card in the stack. OXO is the Enochian word for dance and the name of her region. She is the dance.

Kundalini has revealed herself directly to us in this reading! We called for her, and she answered! 

We asked how we could reach her, and she responded, “Here I am! Come dance with me!” 

She tells us our energetic, joyful life is as simple as claiming it. She tells us, “The ultimate purpose of life is to live.” 

This can feel daunting, even frustrating, when we feel like a grain of sand in the center of the dune. We think the wind will never reach us to blow us into a new environment. 

My Enochian guidebook says, “The Message of OXO is that all life is in an endless cyclic expression in time and space.” 

The Cosmic Dancer contradicts herself; she wants us dancing with her right NOW, and she knows we are moving through a season in our cycle. We are not imprisoned or truly stuck. It may be imperceptible, but we are moving already. It’s the obstacle of depression that obscures our view from this movement. 

Claiming our life right now is not the same as being cured of depression instantly, but it will put us in a mindset to move through this lesson with more ease.

I linked Sadhguru earlier in this article. He is a guru I’ve recently stumbled upon, and I appreciate his straightforward, accessible, and free explanations of the concept of Kundalini. I can’t speak for his further lessons or how much they cost, but I found these articles supportive. He writes about how dangerous Kundalini yoga is because of its potency. Our pursuit to remember our energetic potential is not a journey of impulsivity. It’s not a quick fix or miracle cure. Reclaiming your life force takes dedication and responsible care. 

Leaping onto the dance floor for an all-night rave after months of sitting is going to hurt our bodies. We will pull something, dehydrate, and probably not want to dance for a long time after. We’ll feel discouraged, contributing to the hopelessness of depression. 

• Let’s start just by stretching or wiggling our toes. Stretch yourself with care. (No, literally go stretch; you’ll thank me.)

The opposite of depression is creative expression. I didn’t mean that to sound like a cheesy rhyme, but it’s true! 

Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:

"I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself."

Take some time to consider your small steps through this lesson.

• Maybe we want to pursue an established spiritual route like Kundalini yoga, the Alchemies of Horus, or other meditation practices. Let’s take it seriously, slowly, and step by step. Beware of financial traps along the journey. We have every tool within us to awaken ourselves. We don’t need fancy gear or expensive retreats. Many have gone before and left wisdom. We will be discerning in who we seek. 

• Maybe we should pursue a physical and neurological route. We pursue medication, exercise, gardening, painting, therapy, journaling, singing in the shower, play, and more. We don’t set our goals too high. We won’t burn out on the dance floor. The dancing goddess can and will dance forever. She’s eager and patient for us. We explore creativity and pleasure in little ways and let it grow.

• Maybe we should do both? Little of Column A. Little of Column B. Maybe we’ll find they’re not even separate columns at all.

Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone, and anything you wish.

we thank you

we thank you

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Tarot Reading: True Death for a True Will

This Tarot Reading is connected to my November 2023 Substack Post

As stated in the newsletter this reading is connected to; I received a message from the beings who guided me that I should study anatomy to deepen my knowledge and become a full-fledged energy worker.

I feel resistant to this task in palpable ways.

I turn to my Enochian Tarot cards to ask why I am resistant to studying anatomy and, by extension, continue developing my energy work practice.

78. AHMLLKV (Ah-mel-el-keh-veh) Fifth Senior of Earth (Inverted)

A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 78. AHMLLKV Fifth Senior of Earth. The artwork is close to a cliff side with a cave in the background. The colors are warm. A masculine figure wears a flowing red robe, light brown skin, short brown hair and beard. He blows a ram’s horn and has a tiger lily in the other hand. The symbol of mercury is at the bottom.

The 78. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 78th card in the stack. AHMLLKV is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Fifth Senior of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.

Inverted, this card means Insanity, Confusion, Punishment, Lack of authority, Lack of purity.

I usually cite love and not fear for why I'm not fully committed to energy work. I love writing stories too much to stop and do energy work (yet I have time for other distractions). 

The energy work I'm talking about is the work I was trained to do by my teacher, Gretta. It's part bodywork, therapy, energy manipulation, exorcism, and multi-reality/generation work. I spent several years (and some money) learning this practice. I left when I felt the internal message that I had learned all I could from this woman. I barely got the words out, and she pushed me out of the nest because she knew it was true. She knew I was evolving into something else.

And that's just the thing: I have these moments of clarity and feelings. More importantly, I have experienced and witnessed the direct cause and effect of our energy work.

Yet I am afraid.

I fear what I am doing is not worth my time because there's still a part of me (a more significant part of me than I care to admit) that worries this is all made up in my head. And I'm going to waste my life devoting to "supporting others' transformation" with energy work when I'm not actually doing anything to support them.

I'm haunted by the many years of my life as a Christian. Deeply devoted to something that is essentially an incarnate of global harm. Here are those feelings of waste again (a theme that has popped up in my newsletter before). The concept of waste does not serve me, but I must own it to transform it. I own the fact that I am plagued by the guilt and shame that I've wasted much of my life on Christianity, even if there are times it saved me (another topic). I thank these emotions for their clarity.

I am not pure in my devotion to this practice, so I do not pour my all into it. I feel confused and don't think I should have any authority over anyone else's life. In this case, authority akin to a therapist with a client, holding a person's vulnerabilities and guiding them through them.

It feels ironic to ask this next question using divination, but I asked the cards directly: Is energy work what I should be doing with my life?

Well, folks, I pulled…

8. ZID (zee-deh or zoad-ee-deh)The Holy Guardian Angel

The close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that centers on a nonbinary angelic figure with long blue feathers growing out of all different parts of their body, including long eyebrows, arms, hair, and back. They are topless. Their chest is round, and their ribcage is defined. The card says, 8. ZID, The Holy Guardian Angel. They hold a staff in each hand. One is ablaze at the top. They stand on a winding brick road.

The 8. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 8th card in the stack. ZID is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Holy Guardian Angel” refers to the main kind of being that directs this plane.

I'm not sure if it gets more precise than that, but let's unpack.

The words of this card are: Reality, Truth, Identity, the True Will, Masculinity (lover or husband)

I have many names.

The name I use the most is Malachi, Hebrew for my angel or messenger.

I am here to be a messenger. The method of my message does not matter as long as I am copper, exceptionally conductive.

The messages I receive could be translated by being an energy work specialist or by writing stories. What is important is my intention.

Many stories flow through me, but I only hone the ones that align with the capital "M" Message assigned to me. The Message that was given to me through my study of this energy work.

I learned who I am through my energy work, but does it have to be my future? Not necessarily.

Energy work offers me a direct route to the core of my purpose, whereas literature and media have more hoops, bells, mazes, and whistles. There are also a lot of distractions in these fields that could ground me more to material gain than to my Message of immateriality—neither is good nor bad, just different paths.

I choose to remain vigilant in my Message through all of these forms.

Later, I will ask what we need to do to release the shame that immobilizes us from following the path, but first, I ask the cards on your behalf:

What should the collective, anyone reading this, do to learn and align to their True Will?

73. IKZHIKAL (ee-Keh-zeh-hee-kal) The King of Earth

Close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 73. IKZHIKAL The King of Earth. The background is large brown mountains overlapping each other. Standing before them is a jovial, dandy masculine figure wearing a dark tunic and high dark boots that show off a bit of thigh in between. He holds a short obsidian wand in his hand. He looks blissfully off to the side with a pointed yellow crown on his head.

The 73. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 73rd card in the stack. IKZHIKAL is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “King of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.

My friends, this is a good one! An obvious one! There are not bad cards, but good as profoundly aligned with our intention.

The King of Earth grounds those who visit him in their identity and purpose.

His words are Permanence, Endurance, Sustenance, Firmness, Purposeful action, and Strength to accomplish something.

He's not who we would go to if we want change; that role is for water, fire, and air in different ways. But he is the one to go to if we want to stop spinning in unknowns, stop being flighty to our being, and stop burning out on doubt and discovery.

• Come and know who you are first by looking at your past. He is a keeper of memory. Start by looking back. What is the earliest thing you remember loving to do, and why? Start to trace that path toward the present. When did you feel the most yourself? 

• This will inevitably bring up what stopped you from your joy and authenticity. Name those and how they tried to shape you into something that could not hold your joy.

For me, it has always been storytelling, character-making, art, and believing in the unseen.

There are loves we develop, and there are loves we are born with.

• Trace the pattern to who you are now. How do your childhood pleasures and patterns manifest in your now? What are you missing? What makes you happy now and why? Question everything! Why is one of the first questions we learn, and it's essential. Ask yourself why enough, and you'll get to the core of who you are.

• Then, imagine your future. What is the sustenance of your life that can endure? What do you want to be doing years from now? Not work, existence!

I'm fortunate to have a straightforward path. I love to tell stories, and the concept of an author exists to focus me. For others, goals and purposes may be exceptionally tangible or exceptionally conceptual. You could've been anything, but you are you. You are living purpose! Your existence is enough.

It takes strength to cultivate purposeful action to find YOUR goals and purpose in a world that only wants your purpose to be labor and money. Your True Will has nothing to do with your career. They can align, but your job is different from your purpose.

My purpose was easier to find because it straddles the line between material and immaterial, and unfortunately, it has some value to capitalism. You can tell stories as an oral tradition passed down to family and friends. You can channel beings beyond humanity to those who seek guidance. You can write a novel that's fanfiction of the concept of kink but barely has kink, add vampires, and make it for children, and you make millions??? Storytelling can be a lot of things.

Now, extract the essence of the patterns from your past, present, and future. Remove all time and space. You have a theme. You have a story. You have your purpose.

• Why do you resist your purpose? What stands in the way of your goals? What immobilizes your joy?

The conflict can often be external. Our need to survive takes our energy from our True Will. However our Will cannot be silenced even in our struggle or lack. If I were alone and naked on a mountaintop, I would be a storyteller. If I were the next Hayao Miyazaki, making internationally beloved big-budget films, I would be a storyteller. Our status, accomplishments, or access do not define our purpose. They can inform our dreams and what we want to achieve, societal structures can inspire achievement that aligns with our purpose, but our True Will doesn’t have to deal with an achievement at all.

Then I asked, how do we confront resistance, particularly in the form of shame, that immobilizes US from our True Will?

60. LSRAHPM (Les-rah-pem) First Senior of Water

A close-up of an Enochian Tarot card that says 60. LSRAHPM, First Senior of Water. A thin, transmasculine figure with tan skin and swooping short blue hair stands proudly in ankle-deep water. He wears nothing but a light blue skirt so his top surgery scars are exposed, and he holds a lightning bolt in one hand and a staff with a gem on top in the other. The symbol for Mars is at the bottom. Clouds form around him.

The 60. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 60th card in the stack. LSRAHPM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “First Senior of Water” refers to the being that guides this realm.

Magical power, Passion, Lust for power over others, Desire for power and personal gain, Attraction, Fire, Ecstasy. A price must be paid for true magical power.

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" ~ Newton's Third Law.

We must counter immobilizing shame with invigorating pride!

I can feel the compulsion to modify the word pride, to make it smaller and sweeter, less loud and scary–protect you from my pride.

I experience shame for my lust and desire for power. For me, that means a lot of things. It means wanting to be a household literary name, a director of films and TV shows that become classics, not just make the things, make things that will be beloved and seen by many. It means desires I'm embarrassed to verbalize, like, if society crumbled, I can't build or grow food, but I can lead. I can guide (and cook, too). 

I judge myself for wanting more money and resources, for wanting the luxury of traveling wherever I want, and how I like it. If my desire is something for me, it is inherently wrong. I then hear that old, wheezing voice: it's sinful.

Christianity is one of those religions that gets wildly reinterpreted, mainly depending on your relationship to money, capitalism, and class. I was raised with the Christianity that poor people get, an emphasis of "So the last shall be first, and the first shall be last: for many be called, but few chosen" ~ Matthew 20:16 or "I'll say it again it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" ~ Matthew 19:24. It's the kind of Christianity that makes you not question your subjugation. The type the Raven in Animal Farm represents, singing praises for how hard you work and how little you have because the real blessings are after death.

I'm grown, not a Christian, but I still see money as this barrier to paradise, this time for secular reasons: Capital H, Heaven replaced by lowercase u, utopia. I resist power for anticapitalist reasons, anarchist reasons.

On the top of my studio, I have written, "Who will you harm on your path to acceptance?" I place reminders around me to temper my attraction to power and gain.

This is not inherently a bad thing. Methodically practicing self-regulation in a world actively convincing you to join the capitalist cult is the kind of resistance we want.

But, of course, balance is required. When discipline turns to shame, the focus moves from the collective to the selfish. Shame makes you stop listening to what others need.

I am not selfish for knowing my worth as a storyteller. I'm not selfish for seeing the writers who came before, the many, many racist, sexist, successful white authors who came before, and say now it’s my turn. I do and don't want to fill the spots white men hold. That shit is stale, but they polish it to shine. Ultimately, I want to obliterate these hierarchies. I'm bucking against a system that wants us neatly categorized while simultaneously catering to it. If it can't be obliterated in my lifetime, I hope to be just one of many drops of water that dissolve the boulder. It is crumbling. But I can't contribute to the crumbling if I hide myself away.

I am not selfish for knowing I was born with skills for public speaking and boldness that make me loud and bright, with the inherent and learned wisdom to add substance to that light.

I'm not selfish for wanting to be comfortable, for my family to have security, to experience the planet that is me as I am her.

I am selfish when I allow my shame to dictate my relationship with all of these things. Shame makes me hear someone address the harm I've done, and I make it about myself. Shame makes me minimize the most beautiful aspects of my dreams and stop myself from my purpose. Shame makes me martyr myself to unsustainably serve the community without taking care of myself or deny myself access to resources I need because someone else needs them, as if there is a scarcity. There's not.

If we are going to combat the shame that keeps us small and resist the work and play we need to do to grow; we must acknowledge how truly wondrous we are.

My reader, you are glorious!

"A price must be paid for true magical power," is what this card says. What if the price IS your shame!? What if the only thing keeping you from true magic is the hate, guilt, doubt, shame, and disgust you hurl toward yourself daily?

What do we need to do to gain clarity of purpose? How can we release resistance?

59. RAAGIOSL (Rah-ah-gee-oh-sel)The King of Water (Inverted)

A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 59. RAAGIOSL The King of Water. The central figure takes up most of the artwork, with only clouds behind them. Their robes are long and deep blue. Their face is a light blue mask, and they have blue hair that fans out to the sides. They tenderly hold a golden cup in their hands near their face.

The 59. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 59th card in the stack. RAAGIOSL is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “King of Water” refers to the being that guides this realm.

This card is inverted, so its polar meaning is Destruction, Death, Ending, Lack of healing.

It's time for death.

It's time to kill what does not serve us. Killing has been associated only with those who wield weapons to harm. You kill the yam when you pull it up to boil it. Killing is an act of transition. One of the most sacred acts. One that has been harnessed for harm instead of healing and nourishing.

• Close your eyes and remember your ancestors. The ones that understood when it was time to kill. Close your eyes and remember you are an animal with canine teeth. You are designed by billions of years of evolution to sink teeth into flesh, whether you eat meat or not.

When you kill something on land, it decomposes to feed soil and beasts.

When you kill something in the fire, it burns to become ash that feeds the soil.

When you kill something in the water, it is torn apart as food for scavengers.

Death is feeding, and there's little I love more in this world than feeding others.

You can kill your shame. Kill what keeps you resisting the growth you need from your purpose.

As always, it is not linear and usually not instantaneous, though I like to believe it could be. There are days I've awakened to myself, felt an old version had died, and emerged anew from simply learning something about myself. I also have lessons that will take lifetimes. One thing I know is I'd like to give my shame a quick death.

It will take careful work, as shame has marbleized into my whole being. I don't want to cut something else from me, like my compassion or empathy, on the path to cutting out my shame.

Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:

"I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself."

A nonlinear path:

• Name your shame or resistances. Look them in the eye not with hate but with mercy. Shame doesn't want to exist as shame. Resistance yearns to be set free. It must die to transform.

• Identify and name the patterns of your shame/resistance. Name it to yourself, write it down, and start a newsletter so everyone can know about your struggles (lol, jk, unless). Name it to the people you're in relationships with. Have them help you with accountability to move forward with your goals, release your shame, and release all that keeps you from the revolution this world requires.

• Spend time with your childself. They are the ones who first learned what shame was. How did you know what shame was? When did you first learn shame? What built that lesson up for you as you grew up? What are the tactics you use to hide shame with shame that you inherited from your family and trauma? What can you say to your childself or do for your childself to make them feel safe and beloved, seen and forgiven?

• Create affirmations that you can say instead of allowing stubborn, shameful, and selfish thoughts to take over. It's about rewriting even the smallest thoughts. You deserve tenderness. Kindness.

Rinse and repeat.

This is a cycle, not a line.

Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone, and anything you wish.

we thank you

we thank you

we thank you

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Tarot Reading: Focus Up!

This reading is connected to my September 2023 newsletter.

This is my birthday tarot reading. I do one every year.

I set my intention for this reading for myself, but I also asked for wisdom to share outwards to you all.

So, I will start with what they are telling me and then broaden the message through questions.

First, if you would like to read a bit about my Enochian cards and my perspective on tarot, you can look at my first newsletter reading I did in August. 

My reading is divided into three categories. 

Theme. Challenges. Wisdom. 

A looping gif of the purity chalice from Sailor Moon opens and spills light. This references the King of Water’s golden cup of creative energy.

The theme for my next year of life: 

59. RAAGIOSL(rah-ah-gee-oh-sel) The King of Water 

On an orange fabric background with cream colored ornate brocade flourishes is a blue and white Enochian tarot card. A blue-skinned figure in a long flowing blue robe is the King of Water. He holds a golden cup and stands in knee deep water.

The 59. is where the card sits in the overall order of the cards. It’s the 59th card in the stack. RAAGIOSL is the name of the King of Water.

RAAGIOSL rules the Watchtower of Water in Enochian magick. He has masculine energy and the energy of creativity. 

The words associated with this card are creation, reflection, feeling, a long life, sympathy. 

Quite a good theme if you ask me. 

The message itself does not feel like new information but rather a reflection of my intention for this year. I’m moving from a lifepath one year to a life path eleven (or two) year. Eleven is the most sacred number in numerology. It’s why we wish on 11:11. 

I’m moving from 28, a year of leadership (one), to 29, a year of spiritual development (eleven). 

In my spiritual development, I hope to be a reflection or refraction of divine creative energy. 

It is of RAAGIOSL’s nature to make things. “He seeks, through life-giving creativity, to reduce infinite spiritual ideas into finite forms.” I’m also seeking to take my very expansive creative energy and focus it on two singular projects: my novel and my short film. 

That’s what this year is about: focusing my energy. 

As I’ve said before, I’m very ADHD, and for a long time, that has gone ignored and untreated. I’ve only recently started medication, and it’s been supportive. My ADHD connects to my second card. 

Looping gif of a nondescript vintage anime character holding a dewy, sparkling rose. This references the rose of the first senior of air.

The challenge for my next year of life: 

46. HABIORO (Ha-Bee-Oh-RO) First Senior of Air (Inverted)

On an orange fabric background with cream-colored ornate brocade flourishes is an Enochian tarot card with a portrait of a tan-skinned angel with short blonde hair flowing in the wind. He has a smile and holds a rose and a golden staff. His angel wings are on the smaller side, and he wears an amber garment with clouds flowing around him.

46. represents this card’s place in the order. It is the 46th card. The First Senior of Air denotes this angel’s rank, First Fenior, and his elemental watchtower, air.

Rightside up, this is a card of passionate love and courageous action, but inverted, the words are discouragement, inept action, and lack of commitment.  

My perfectionism keeps me from working on my projects. I discourage myself because I don’t think I’m good enough to accomplish my lofty aspirations. Rejections from programs, grants, fellowships, etc., are, of course, also discouraging, and I’ve already faced a few key rejections that have left me without the supportive structure I hoped for in this year. That means I am left almost entirely to my own devices, my own resources, my own focus. 

A lack of commitment is certainly a manifestation of ADHD’s lack of focus. 

I am full of dreams. 

I radiate new ideas. It doesn’t take much for me to summon a whole character from a single article of clothing or a world from a short nerdy factoid about biology. 

Discouragement courses through me when I’m not getting the awards and accolades I see others get. But then I must ask myself, what have you finished? 

You have no awards because you have no finished projects. 

To not show my creativity commitment is to not show it love.

Let me love my works forever. Let me love my work to completion. 

I need to find collaborators that are finishers.

It’s time to try something new.

A looping gift of a vintage anime sunset with an anime character dressed in 80s clothes next to a moped. Everything sways in the breeze. This references the sun in the NTTM card.

My wisdom for this next year:

68. NTTM (Neh-teh-tem)Kerubic Angels of Water

On an orange fabric background with cream-colored ornate brocade flourishes is an Enochian card with an orange sunrise cresting over sandy yellow dunes and reflecting orange and pink light on a deep blue sea.

The 68. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 68th card in the stack. NTTM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Kerubic Angels of Water” refers to the main kind of beings that live there.

I also pulled this card in my first newsletter reading, but in that first reading it was inverted! 

Messages about cycles seem to really want me to listen. 

NTTM is about natural cycles like the sun rising over the horizon to banish the darkness. 

Its associative words are cyclic change, renewal, unification, a new beginning, life over death. 

When I pulled this card, I did not feel an esoteric message or a poetic pondering of life and death. 

The message came through clear and practical. 

I must embrace discipline. I have to create a routine for myself and make a new commitment to my creative career. 

My rising must be as reliable as the sun and as dedicated as her warmth. 

Today (9/26) is actually the first day I am trying my routine, and so far, it’s going well. 

If I mess up my routine, I can’t fall into discouragement. I must renew myself and try again. Learn from what didn’t work and adapt. 

Routine is scary to my freedom-loving self. It’s one of the biggest reasons I risk the instability of working for myself so I can move as I want to. 

But this routine is my choice, and I’ve also built variance and choice into the structure so that I can follow my desire. Perhaps trick my stubborn and distractable brain into productivity. 

I believe in my ability to take these projects to term–to birth new worlds. 

A looping gif of an anime girl growing a new world as sprouting plants from white nothingness.

Here are questions for your reflection based on this reading.

Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with protection:

“I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself.”

• What am I trying to create? Is there something I have started that I haven’t finished yet?

• Should it be created? Why or why not?

• What is keeping me from accomplishing that creation? 

• Why is that keeping me from accomplishing that creation?

• What can you do for yourself to minimize that challenge or obstacle?

• How can I break down a complex goal or challenge in my life into small, attainable steps?

• What are you feeding yourself and refracting back into the world around you?

• Who in your life can support you in the completion of your creation?

• What’s something scary that you haven’t tried that would be supportive to you? Why haven’t you tried it? Can you find counterpoints to your fears?

• Should you start a new routine? Why? What would it look like?

• What would encourage you to stick to that new routine?

• What can you do today to remind yourself that you create your reality? 

• What can you do to prepare yourself for your new cycle?

we thank you

we thank you

we thank you

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My Astrology Hot Take

This blog is connected to my September 2023 newsletter

Let’s just lay it all out there.

To understand my take on astrology, you must understand my perception of reality. 

We create our reality. 

There are overarching creations that we agree upon together. Take, for instance, the laws of physics, motion, matter. We agreed to these rules of reality. 

There are also little agreements that we make every day. These are much more malleable. You create the way your tea tastes, or you always have a knack for knowing when your sister’s about the call, or you never win raffles.

There’s a lot in the middle and outside of and in between. 

Astrology is one of those things. 

I’m no longer a faith-based person. I very much used to be. I have witnessed tangible manifestations of what I believe—palpable cause and effect. Yes, even of magick.

I think astrology is just as much an illusion and made up as our other human systems, but I have observed patterns that align with astrology. It is subjectly supportive to me, specifically how I can talk about myself and relate to others. My neurodivergence sometimes manifests as difficulty expressing emotion, and astrology gives me a system to explain myself and analyze an otherwise frustrating interaction with another.

I don’t want to be into astrology. It’s often annoying and cringy because pop culture takes it too far. 

But then a friend will tell me about a specific relationship dynamic, and then I’ll ask if that person has Sagittarius placements, and they’ll say, “Oh, she’s a Sagittarius sun!” And I’ll just shake my fist at the sky. The patterns are so potent. 

Seasons come in patterns. The water cycle is a pattern. Menstrual cycles. Migration patterns. 

Everything moves in patterns and comes in certain waves, so why not people? 

What about us is so special and immune to the collective forces?

This part is important: I do not see astrology as a personality prescription.

Personality prescriptions are many of those astrology memes, or when someone says, “You’re a Leo. You must be so full of yourself,” or “Wow, you’re a Capricorn! You must only care about money.

Reductive.

I am not an astrologer, but I use astrology as a tool because astrology is not personality; it’s a hack. Astrology is a cheat code for understanding the lessons of our lives. 

Now, you must understand the second part of my belief system. We, all things, are a part of one collective Force. As the Force, we are exploratory, playful, and curious, creating realities to experience and learn. We forget all we are and begin our lives as individuals on our journeys back to Source, which can look infinite ways. 

Many ascribe to this understanding and use it to continue oppression by saying things like, “If you are in poverty, you created that reality,” or “If you were born Black, you must’ve wanted subjugation.” Deeply disturbing, but I’ve seen it time and again.  

One must understand that being one body, one Force, means we are all oppressed if one of us is. To be born in a white, privileged body is to work through the lesson of relinquishing power and righting injustice, such as through redistribution and transformative justice. We have cosmic imbalances to rescale together. Many ignore this lesson and become distracted by the pleasures oppression brings. Racism, classism, transphobia, etc., are lessons for all of us to overcome. 

That’s an overarching perspective. 

A closer look and we each have specific lessons we are learning in our individual lives. 

Astrology can help us to identify those lessons so we can move from being inside the lesson and thereby unable to see it, and outside of the lesson, able to take control of ourselves, our lives, etc. 

Inside the lesson, we repeat it over and over without awareness. Outside the lesson, we see our pattern and can stop ourselves, ask for help, etc. 

For example: Let’s look at Aries. They are known to be impulsive, bold, loud, and aggressive. However, I have some Aries friends who are quiet, soft-spoken, and gentle. If you talk to them further, you’ll learn that they had upbringings that restricted them. They didn’t feel heard. Growing up and evolving has meant tapping into their inner fire and strength so they can learn to speak up for themselves. 

I also have friends who are Aries that more accurately fit the typical patterns of Aries. Still, they’ve done the work to slow themselves down, become better listeners, and learn to channel their expansive energy into what they love. 

One sun sign, two different lessons. 

That’s just two options with limited variables. Zoom out, and there’s an entire birth chart with aspects affecting one another, and then there’s the birth charts of the people who raised you, your siblings/companions/peers, and the astrology of your surrounding climate. I am still wary of predictive astrology. Again, it’s as true as you want to invest in it. I prefer to we apply the same lesson logic to groups of time and people. Astrology’s later planets, like Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, etc., can help with those collective assessments. 

That’s a lot of variables to understand your lessons and who you are. It’s not as simple as, “You’re a Cancer, so you’re a crybaby.”

And that is just considering Tropical Astrology (the one we’re more familiar with).

I look at Tropical Astrology and Sidereal Astrology/Vedic Astrology.

You can look up many more people who are more specific and knowledgeable about astrology and their differences.

Tropical astrology is Western Astrology based on ancient Western planetary alignments, such as the Gregorian calendar. They also believed that the planets moved in a circular motion, which is inaccurate. Vedic Astrology or Sidereal Astrology is an Eastern Astrology based on an Eastern planetary alignment, which is elliptical and correct.  

Some astrologers tell others to throw out Tropical Astrology because it is the “colonizer’s astrology,” and that’s valid. I think it’s all made up, so why not use it all to look at a more nuanced portrait of the self? 

Sidereal Astrology will shift back your astrological placements depending on your birthdate. For example, my Virgo sun doesn’t shift back to Leo because I was born so late in Virgo season on the 21st, but my Venus placement moves back from Scorpio to Libra, the one before. 

Venus rules love and relationships, so I can look at both Scorpio and Libra to get a fuller picture of my lessons in my relationship dynamics.  

I have struggled with obsession in love, falling in love immediately and intensely, and sacrificing much of myself for the person I am in love with. These are all very unevolved Scorpio Venus traits. As I’ve learned and grown, I’ve become much more balanced in the affairs of the heart. I value spaciousness and the balance of our needs, which are Libra Venus traits that I see as more evolved. Then, I can combine those traits with my evolved Scorpio Venus traits, such as passionate affection, devotion, and wanting to love a whole person, flaws, and all.

Every astrological sign has struggles and room for growth, as well as conversations, conflicts, and balances with one another.

We are all evolving.

We are all stories of change.

Astrology is just one tool out of so many that we can give language to our patterns of emotions, perceptions, behaviors, and other internal and external processes.

You can also wholly and completely ignore astrology.

The choice is yours. Where would you like to invest your energy?

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Goth Shop Stop

This blog post is connected to my September 2023 newsletter.

The original Morticia Addams (Carolyn Jones) sits in a wicker chair, blows on a dagger, and smiles. This gif is in black and white.

Okay, not everything here is gothic per se, but I wanted to highlight some independent shops that I think bring the kitsch, creepiness, darkness, and drama that we desire (and require) from our autumnal aesthetics.

Notice I don’t say Halloween.

For those who know me, you may be surprised to learn I’m not a huge fan of Halloween as it exists today.

There’s a spiritual reason and a sassy reason. 

But this post isn’t about THAT. This post is about your daily dedication to shapeshifting, character creation, and personal lore building.

Akasha (Aaliyah) from Queen of the Damned showing her fangs and biting into a bloody heart. The gif is black and white.

If you want to dress in vampiric dramatique flare, cheeky fae frocks, clownish chaos, or other daring forms, I’ve gathered some of my favorite independent Depop shops. These are all sellers who make their clothes or upcycle them. As you likely also know, I make and sell my own upcycled freaky fashion. You can check my website shop or my Depop.

Most of my shopping is done in thrift stores, but I also love supporting artists who put care and creepiness into their craft. There’s no joy quite like owning a piece of clothing that no one else in the world has. *wipes drool from mouth*

Plenty of Depop shops are selling corsets these days, so I won’t highlight those as much, though I do love a good corset for a costume.

Note: Depop has a lot of ways to make shopping cost-effective, such as bundling items, making offers, haggling in messages, or trades if you also have items in your shop.

This mortal flesh is a costume for the spirit, you might as well play dress up! 

*I also am not casually using the word spooky because it’s derived from the racial slur spook and should only be used in reclamation by black people. A moment like this is not appropriate.

Costume Curation!

Claudee Marr

Style: I adore that these garments look like aging fat in a jar sitting in some grotesque scientist’s lab. These fleshy garments are paired with metallic accents and structured to be slutty and playful. Additionally, this artist makes distressed garments that look like you just had the most decadent romp with your werewolf lover (maybe you were a werewolf, too!)

Fave Item

A bust of a white person in a tan tube top that looks wet but is silicon. The top is crossed with a dark string in a grid pattern, and there's a black bow at the top.

Pros: Handmade by owner. 100% one-of-a-kind and unique, sure to be a conversation starter. 

Cons: Unsure of the environmental impact on the materials nor how sweaty they make you. Not very size-inclusive.

Eketchiuniverse

Style: Out of this world, woven unique silhouettes will have you feeling like your whole body is a planet. You’ll be a…celestial body. This artist also makes cute moon pillows!

Fave Item

A Black person with brown skin wears a corset and skirt made of woven rope-like velvet fabric in abstract shapes on the corset and flowers on the skirt.

Pros: Black-owned. Handmade by seller. Custom-made so can be in expansive sizes.

Cons: I’m not sure what the material feels like or the weight of the garments.

Malicious Designs 

Style: Beautiful vintage-inspired dresses, lingerie, and two-piece sets from various eras. A solid place to find custom decadence and flirty frocks. 

Fave Item

A red silk dress with black lace trim, a scoop neckline, a bell skirt, and bell sleeves. The dress is short, with a black bow on the chest.

Pros: Clothes can be custom ordered to any size. Handmade by seller. 

Cons: Unsure of material sourcing. I’ve experienced some communication delays with this seller.

Blessed Trinity 

Style: This designer is absolutely chaotic! So often, I’m not even sure what I’m looking at, but that’s kinda of the delight of this artist. You never know what you’re going to find. Within the whirlwind of colors and patterns, you’ll find some truly spectacular, one-of-a-kind pieces, along with some fabulous hats for any creature or fae.

Fave Item

A backless handmade top made of different patterns of blue vintage material with rings of satin blue pleated ribbon. There are rose and star decals.

Pros: Upcycled/recycled materials. Handmade by seller. Seller has a lot of variety.

Cons: Not sure of the sturdiness of every garment, nor their comfort. Not very size-inclusive, but I’m unsure if they do commissions.

Ghouls Bizarre

Style: I must highlight the fabulous clown/dollie ruffle accessories here. I particularly like that this designer goes much larger than most who make accessories like these. When I want a costume accessory, I want it to have a statement in and of itself.

Fave Item

The bust of a white person wearing a white blouse and a shining collar that scrunches around the neck and then flares out over the shoulder in waves.

Pros: Handmade by seller. Items are handmade when purchased and can be made in various sizes. 

Cons: Unsure of the comfort of the material.

Marisa Rose

Style: Now, chainmail is a fantasy must, but it’s so hard to find affordable pieces. Cue Marisa with these inventive chainmail accessories, many of which are decorated with sick bone pieces. Perfect for you necromancers out there. 

Fave Item

A short silver necklace of interlocked silver rings. Tiny bells are hanging off of the bottom rings. Off of the three large rings, there are three long bones.

Pros: Handmade by owner. Affordable. Unique pieces. 

Cons: Unsure of where the metal or bones are sourced.

Maria Manifesto 

Style: Now we’re talking drama!!! These gothic silhouettes are inspired by religious iconography, and medieval darkness, all with a slutty twist that I absolutely adore. 

Fave Item

A black garment covers the whole body of this white person, but it has slits up the sides that expose the legs and torso. There’s a window cut into the chest with a white cross over it. There’s white detailing connecting the garment.

Pros: Handmade by seller. Most pieces are linen and, thereby, breathable—unmatched dark vibes. 

Cons: Existing pieces are not very size-inclusive, and I am unsure about the ability for customs. Outside of the US, you’ll have to contend with international shipping.

Jayne <3

Style: Handprinted shirts with hyperpop and cyberpop aesthetics and dark and emo eerie poetic sentiments. For the subtle, casual, macabre goth in your life. 

Fave Item

A close-up of a white cropped tank top with the words, “You are a woman marked for sorrow.” Below the text is a lounging woman covered in tiny black insects.

Pros: Accessible fashion. Handmade by seller. Customizable. 

Cons: I only see shirts go up to XL, but I wonder if you can get a custom in a larger size.

Distorted Metal

Style: Each item is a lost relic from some fantasy epic. Every piece is storied and unique and made with love, as you can tell by the textural hand-soldering. 

Fave Item

An open sea shell is sealed in a golden resin with a glass pearl. Silver is soldering around the edge.

Pros: Black-owned. Handmade by seller. One-of-a-kind pieces. 

Cons: Unsure of how the stones are sourced. I don’t know the types of metal that are used.

Sour Dice

Style: Hand-printed eerie and emo designs ranging from cryptic, subversive religious messages to emo icons like the Virgin Suicides. 

Fave Item

A silvery silken mini nightie with thin straps. There’s a thin black lace trim. Printed on the dresses is a haunted house, a moth, and some dried flowers.

Pros: Handmade by seller. Casual, accessible goth wear. 

Cons: Lana del Ray girlies (lmao sorry, not sorry), premade garments are not size inclusive (unsure about customs), premade underwear is not inclusive to all bodies.

Cloudie Jobi

Style: These pieces are artworks of experimental shapes and textures, each existing in its own theme and sense of play. You can find a variety of characters within these pieces, from cloud elementals to leafy fairies to cybernetic angels to mossy trolls. 

Fave Item

A Black person with rich brown skin stands wearing a handmade outfit that’s a skirt, forearm covers, and a tube top. The base of these garments is white with a closeup blue leaf pattern printed on top.

Pros: Black-owned. Handmade by seller. Unique pieces of many styles. Some reworked upcycled pieces. 

Cons:  Not very size-inclusive, unsure about customs. Some pieces seem rather delicate.

Done by Doug

Style: Be a living cartoon in these outrageous cyberpunk silhouettes made out of recycled materials. Additional garments are a gritty homage to punk aesthetics. 

Fave Item

A pair of jeans laid out flat on the ground. The jeans are stripes of different blue jeans. The jeans are wide and extend out in a bulb shape.

Pros: Upcycled/recycled materials. Exciting silhouettes. Handmade by seller. 

Cons: Established pieces are not size-inclusive, unsure about customs. Unsure if every funky silhouette would wear on the body well. 

Lethal Pixie 

Style: The crochet trend isn’t my favorite, but I love what this artist is doing with the medium! There’s chainmail, goblin ears, mermaid crowns, bonnets, and more! 

Fave Item

An upclose picture of a face of a light skin Black person wears a crochetted headpiece that covers the head and neck that looks like medieval chainmail.

Pros: Black-owned. Handmade by seller. Whimsical forms I haven’t seen anywhere else. Customs can be made any size. 

Cons: Unsure of the material’s texture. Have to continue with international shipping. Premade items are not size-inclusive.

6999

Style: Sci-fi-inspired garments ranging from bubbling fungal forms to reptilian Animorph casual sets. Some items are complex and couture, and some are simple tanks and jeans to meet various intergalactic aesthetics. 

Fave Item

A Black person with rich brown skin stands stoically facing the camera, wearing a black top that plumes around their head and a light pink long skirt tied up in string around their legs. Their round belly is exposed, showing a 97 tattoo written in a large gothic font.

Pros: Handmade by owner. Black-owned. Fresh fits. 

Cons: Unsure of materials used/how they’re sourced. Pieces on online shop go up to XL, but the custom pieces seem more size-inclusive and can be made any size.

SAB

Style: It’s giving Mad Max, and I kinda love it. 

Fave Item

A long skirt made of many woven bands of leather in belt-like strips. The leather ranges from white to oak brown and many tans in between. The stitching is visible and adds texture to the skirt.

Pros: Made from upcycled/recycled materials. Hand-made by owner. One-of-a-kind pieces. 

Cons: A bit more expensive than others. Unsure of the durability of some of the pieces (while some seem super durable).

darkweb.com

Style: Macabre hand-printed garments that all look bloody, even if the printed images aren’t blood. The images range from religious iconography, gross anatomical renderings, vintage films and horror movies, bugs, and a lotta sad white bitches. 

Fave Item

A mesh skirt on a thin white body is printed with a collage of images of Jesus, young women taking communion, cowboys, weeping faces, and other vintage movie stills. The colors are blood red, cream, and black.

Pros: Hand-made by seller. Mostly upcycled pieces. Potent goth vibes. 

Cons: Unsure of print durability. Not very size-inclusive for premade items, but you may be able to order customs. A lotta sad white bitches.

Karloo 

Style: Playful plushie, sculptural designs for those who want to live in one of those vintage cartoons where all the flowers and trees have faces and dance with you. 

Fave Item

A mesh body suit is skin tight on a Black person with rich brown skin wearing white heels. The body suit is an ombre light blue to pink, and 3-D blue satin heart plushies are hanging off of the suit. Similar blue satin shapes cover the chest and hips. There’s also gold sparkling detailing around the bodysuit.

Pros: Absolutely show-stopper conversation pieces. Handmade by seller. 

Cons: Unsure of the comfort of pieces beyond their plushiness. Premade items are not very size-inclusive, and I am unsure about customs.

Heir Kemer 

Style: Glamorously slutty mesh dresses that feel like a modern approach to the Elvira or Morticia Addams silhouettes. 

Fave Item

A faceless mannequin in an empty room wears a black lace see-through halter dress. There’s a lace wrap scarf around the head.

Pros: You’re gonna look HOT. Prices are reasonable for gowns. Handmade by seller. 

Cons: Mesh is fragile. Premade items are not size-inclusive. Unsure about customs.

Shop Royalty Only 

Style: Sometimes, a witch just needs a numerology bikini or an astrological thong. It’s as simple as that. I also love this artist’s bunny hats and balaclavas. 

Fave Item

A Black person with brown skin wears bright pink crocheted shorts with no shirt. Instead, they wear a black balaclava with long bunny ears covering their chest. The inner ears are the same bright pink.

Pros: Simple yet effective witchy fits. Black-owned. Handmade by owner. Custom-made crochet items. 

Cons: Bikinis and thongs don’t seem accessible to all bodies. Sizes only go up to XL. Unsure if you can request customs.

Mak Mak Handmade 

Style: Part clown, part doll, all one-of-a-kind whimsy! These upcycled pieces are made in exciting, over-the-top silhouettes that are sure to dazzle and amuse. 

Fave Item

A thin, white body wears a large ruffled top that is short in the front and long in the back. The print looks like a Twister board, and the garment's shape is boxy. The sleeves are long with ruffles at the end and buttons down the front.

Pros: Upcycled/recycled. Handmade by seller. Super duper fun! 

Cons: Despite the large shapes, I only see the seller saying their size goes up to XL. I’m unsure about custom pieces, adjustments, or if the pieces would actually fit larger sizes.

Aurafex

Style: I wanted to highlight the sick soldering techniques of this artist, who makes any shape look sharp and tough, as well as dripping and gooey. This artist also makes very goth and whimsical layered necklaces. 

Fave Item (tooth and pearl cross)

A cross in white space made of individual necklace pendents. Each pendent is a different-colored bead surrounded by spiky metallic silver soldering. Some are hearts, some are stars, one is a tooth, and the center one surrounds a fresh water pearl in the shape of a cross.

Pros: Handmade by seller. One-of-a-kind pieces. 

Cons: Unsure of necklace durability. Unsure of the sourcing of the artist’s metal and materials.

Green Faerie Vintage

Style: Peak maiden vibes. A beautiful collection of vintage dresses as well as many sweet handmade fae, royalty, and clown-inspired accessories. 

Fave Item

The close-up bust of a thin white person wearing a vintage faded light blue and brown flower print dress with flared cream lace sleeves. The base of the dress is cream. The person is holding a dagger with a cream lace ruffle around their neck.

Pros: Beautiful collection. Fun textural collars that can be custom-made. 

Cons: Vintage dresses are not size-inclusive. 

Maekshift 

Style: Now we have peak clown vibes! This artist is dedicated to creating stunning clown costumes and other rascally accessories. 

Fave Item

A red clown jumpsuit that bunches like shorts. The sleeves are long and have a black and white cow print. There’s a plush large collar made of cow print and gingham patterns. There are two big white pom poms on the chest.

Pros: Upcycled/recycled. Handmade by seller. Sizes go up to 3X.

Cons: There could be even more size inclusivity, but perhaps there is for customs.

The Velvet Eye

Style: This seller has many classic goth garments, but the real treat is this seller’s handmade jewelry. Hand-crafted dolls and anatomy parts mixed with intense metallic detailing. Each piece comes with its own story.  

Fave Item

A round doll face is surrounded by a metal wreath that grows out of the face. Over one eye is a metal plate, and the other has a silver iris. The mouth is painted silver, and there are staples along either side of the mouth, stapling it shut. Long nails stick out all around this doll like a halo.

Pros: Handmade by seller. Black-owned. Recycled materials. One-of-a-kind pieces. 

Cons: Unsure of the durability of the pieces.

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Tarot Reading: Be a Freak, Avoid the Loop

The following reading correlates with my first Substack Post.

Before our first newsletter tarot reading, here’s a brief breakdown of my perspective of tarot as a divination tool.

Well, tarot cards can feel more like a familiar than a tool. Picture the black cat at the witch’s side; that’s a familiar.

There’s a little more agency. It’s not just an object I’m using; my cards have chosen me just as I have chosen them. The old adage of tarot was that you must be gifted your cards to use them. While I don’t ascribe to that as a rule, I recognize that it speaks to an unconscious call to each other. You cannot help but find each other even when you’re not looking. 

My cards were a gift like that. 

Yours could be locking eyes with a box at a Barnes and Noble. That’s just as significant.

The point is the connection you feel, not how you received them. Your divination practice is a relationship between you and your instrument. Some divination practices are closed, meaning you have to be born or trained in that cultural and religious practice, and some are open, meaning you do not need to be raised/trained in that culture. Open practices often mean the roots of the practice come from so many different places it cannot be claimed by one culture/group alone. Tarot as a whole is an open practice, though there are suborders of tarot divination that are closed. Part of listening to your instrument is listening to whether or not the tool is for you to use.

You have a conversation with a divination tool and do most of the listening, which underlines that the cards have a voice.

This voice can exist as a feeling when you interpret cards. You feel the card refers to your client’s ex-boyfriend, or you feel the suffocating emotion you’ve been hiding come to the surface. The feeling could be a gurgle in your gut, a heat behind your ears, or something much less tangible and not bodily connected–the intersection between a psychic feeling and a psychic knowing. 

Perhaps the voice is less about awareness and instead about interpretation, something more logical. Reading tarot cards can be simply studying a language and interpreting symbols. A practice based solely on interpretation means you’re likely the kind of person who watches or reads media and is quick to point out the underlying meanings of the choices of the director/author/etc. This voice is your own voice telling you what makes sense based on what you’ve observed and learned. That’s no less important than emotional or psychic interpretation. All of this is about witnessing. 

I utilize both techniques above, but I also genuinely hear a voice. 

If you have ever used tarot cards or another divination tool, perhaps you know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to a literal voice in your mind’s ear (the oft-forgotten cousin of the mind’s eye). I have done meditative practices to hear the voices of “inanimate” objects, but this voice I hear is not necessarily of the cards themselves but of those who agree to speak to me through the cards. They’re called my Realm of Beings, and we will discuss them eventually (and often). Don’t worry.

Before every tarot reading, I talk to the cards themselves and ask them for permission to use them. I ask their higher consciousness, and I hear an answer in my mind. So far, I’ve only heard yes. 

I’m providing context for the voice of my tarot cards because if you’re going to read my interpretations of my cards consistently, you need to understand that my cards are SASSY. They go right for the jugular every time. Every divination instrument has a personality; mine have a heavy energy but are quick with biting humor.

My cards are

not

Rider-Waite Tarot cards.

Nor are they a part of similar systems that come before or after Rider-Waite.

My cards are Enochian tarot cards.

We could spend this time diving into Enochian magick, but you came here for a tarot reading, and I don’t want to delay much longer.

What I’ve learned about Enochian magick I’ve learned from these cards and their book. I haven’t studied in depth. It’s more like I’ve been learning from working in the field. Someday, we will get into the details of it all. You’ll be learning with me.

Enochian magick taps into a particular pathway of spiritual evolution. Many roads lead to “enlightenment,” “heaven,” “oneness,” or “enjoinment.”  The path of Enochian magick is for those who wish to find enlightenment (using this broadly from now on) by going through a series of trials that break down the ego, release you from the human cycle, and “refine” you until you are everything/all things/all and nothing. That refinement is a series of trials and transformations guided by Angels.

The background is a batik quilt of many colored and patterned squares. The main colors are yellows, reds, blues, oranges, and purple accents. On top of the quilt is a book bound in a bright orange ornate pattern. This is my guidebook for my cards. I used it so much that it fell apart, and was lovingly rebound by a best friend. Below the closed book are Enochian tarot cards spread out in a short arc. The little bits of artwork seen are swirling pastels of different colors.

These planes of existence divide into the elemental Watchtowers of earth, air, fire, and water. Each plane is broken down into regions represented by a card, and each region has a different nature, environment, and just general v i b e. Inside the circle of Watchtowers are inner planes of consciousness called Aeythers that the Major Arcana represents.

Maybe if you’re an animation nerd like me, you’ve seen the “Together Again” episode of Adventure Time Distant Lands. I like to imagine the layers like that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers and creators of Adventure Time drew inspiration from Enochian magick or other similar magick understandings. However, Enochian magick is even less linear than Adventure Time’s depiction.

Each region holds a being or force that rules it with a message, trial, trap, or aid. These tarot cards are condensed versions of these different planes and regions. 

Can you see why the personality of my cards is dense? 

An entire plane of reality concentrated into a single laminated piece of paper.

Ok. 

That’s the basic basics. Have questions? Stick with this newsletter for deeper dives in the future.

Without further ado, watch my cards come straight for my throat. 

I asked the cards for a starting message and some guidance for the beginning of this newsletter, and the cards immediately called me out–so much so that I felt embarrassed and even considered pulling a whole new message. But I am choosing to trust the honesty of my cards. I’m going to leave this message here in its raw state. 

68. NTTM (neh-teh-tem) *Kerubic Angels of Water. (Inverted)

*Kerubic is an upper-middle rung of Angel hierarchy.

The background is a square of a batik quilt. The batik pattern is blue and red flowers on a yellow background. The card has an orange sunrise cresting over sandy yellow dunes and reflecting orange and pink light on a deep blue sea.

The 68. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 68th card in the stack. NTTM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Kerubic Angels of Water” refers to the main kind of beings that live there.

Inverted cards are significant in Enochian readings as they give polar messages.

NTTM is a card of natural cycles, particularly renewal cycles where the sun (life) triumphs over night (death). The beetle-headed Egyptian god Khepera has a similar energy signature because they cause the sun to rise.

Inverted, this card means “bad beginning,” “lack of renewal,” and the one that stabbed through my Virgo heart, “disappointment.”

Oof.

I felt a palpable disappointment from the cards. I mentioned that my messages come through as my Realm of Beings, but an essential aspect of a Realm is that they are nonjudgmental. This disappointment was a judgment, so I knew it was coming from this card’s region as it feels what I am doing–this newsletter–is counter to their desired state.

These cards are showing me I am at risk!

I’m at risk of repeating my relationship with Instagram, but this time with Substack. As you likely know, I separated from IG because it was a caustic environment for my brain and self-esteem. IG was not just a social platform; I was trying to promote myself as an artist, but the algorithm would completely hide my art from my followers. It would only promote posts where I showed my body, which quickly became degrading until I couldn’t take it anymore. Many people whose careers I admire never had a social media presence or actively do not have a big following. 

WE DO NOT NEED INSTAGRAM. IT NEEDS US. 

I didn’t want Mailchimp or some other email service for my newsletter. I chose Substack because I found it the most customizable and aesthetically pleasing, but it also comes with a social media-like model of reposts, “notes,” comments, and likes.

What will keep me from fixating on my following and engagement? How do I not spiral every time I lose a follower? How do I not check my Substack 100 times a day every time I get a little engagement dopamine?

I asked for a counterpoint.

I asked for wisdom on HOW I can keep from looping again in this toxic social media cycle. They gave me:

20. KHR (keh-har), the Major Arcana card of The Wheel. (Inverted again)

On a yellow and black striped batik background with purple flowers, a tarot card sits. It has a cloudy blue background. Swirling around is an endless line of planets moving toward a yellow and red triangle with the Pisces symbol in the middle.

The 20. is where it sits in the overall order. It’s the 20th card in the stack. KHR is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here this is not only a region but a major force of the universe. That force is the Wheel of existence and life.

The contrast of these inversions is fascinating! 

Like NTTM, the Wheel is a card about cycles. Right side up, the Wheel speaks to cycles' seductive and deceptive nature—how loops can entrap in comforting ways. In an esoteric sense, it highlights how the loop wants to keep us in the human cycle and not “move on” in our energy.

But the Wheel was inverted, which means “uniqueness,” “odd,” “different,” “one of a kind,” and “chance event.” 

The cards are challenging me to break the cycle within Subtack by being an ABSOLUTE WEIRDO. 

It became clear that even within the, let’s say, vibrant energy of my newsletter, I was still sanitizing myself, trying to make myself palatable even within my various eccentricities. Working so hard to make my strangeness more tame–my punctuation proper.

Yes, I should have a grounded practice and take my meds and herbs that help with anxiety and ADHD so that I am less affected by such social media ups and downs, but I also should be a freak!

If I lean into spontaneity, a little more impulse, and a little less overthinking, and pull back on the self-censorship, it will mean there could be so many more who dislike me, and that’s okay.

This is not a “fuck political correctness” mentality. It’s not fuck compassion or carefulness. But it is about fuck my anxiety that tells me to make myself small, that scolds me so I don’t take up ANY space at all. This isn’t about desensitizing myself to feedback; it’s about revealing far more sensitivities and raw nervous systems and chaotically firing synapses. This is MY newsletter. It is not for follows or likes. It's to be MYSELF and a place for others to find me if they so choose to and consume me if it delights them and boosts their immune systems.

It’s not about worrying if people think I’m too weird.

Baby boo, you real weird.

Yes, I am in my Pisces Saturn Return; how did you guess? At the center of the Wheel is the symbol of Pisces, which represents water. The triangle contains symbols for each of the four elements. It has masculine and feminine energy (like me). The Wheel contains all things. In this context, Pisces directly points to the current Saturn placement. For some of us, our astrological placements of Saturn are in Pisces, so we are returning to the Saturn that was in alignment the day we were born. Saturn is a teacher who calls for change and transformation in how we ground ourselves, find our commitments, and endure. Pisces is a water sign that is “dreamy” and speaks to a sense of fluidity and connection to psychic abilities or ethereal realms beyond our tangible life. It’s about finding spirituality and learning to be alone and a hermit.

This card is calling me to flow with my authenticity. 

Maybe it will cause me to end up alone, and I must embrace that possibility too.

With this new information, I asked them, “What is my newsletter for?”

I heard a response. 

I am a very imaginative ADHD person. When I sit to listen to my Realm of Beings or another guiding force, I must undergo several internal checks to ensure it’s not my brain. My brain LOVES to fill in the silent gaps. The true voice sounds distant, like it comes from somewhere far away, spoken through a little door in the back of my brain. I’m not sure why, but it has become a sensational failsafe for finding the answers through my internal cacophony.

The voice spoke slowly and said my newsletter would “mark the passage of time on my journey as a steward of energy.”

That’s it.

This is a glorified diary.

This is a timekeeper.

This is a tether to linear time.

This is archival.

Smudges on a cave wall.

A rotating display of cave art.

I wanted to offer some questions for your own reflection based on this reading.

Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:

“I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself.”

• What are your goals in your life? What is your relationship to social media? Is social media supporting you to reach those goals?

• How do you feel about the perception of social media? What does it mean to you to be able to watch, and what does it mean to you that others can watch you?

• What are ways that you make yourself small? When is smallness useful, and when is smallness a hindrance?

• What would you do if no one was watching? What would you do if everyone was watching?

• What about social media draws your attention? Is there a way to find that interest or stimulation elsewhere?

• How can you be more of a freak than you were yesterday?

• How can you embrace your weirdo self, and is there someone(s) you want to share your weirdness with?

• What if you were completely honest about who you were? If fears come up, write them down and then write counterpoints.

  Ex: My parents would reject me — I would learn to cultivate my chosen family

• Can you find some alone time to nourish yourself today or plan for intentional aloneness in the future?

• Should you start a diary? Should you put that diary on display?

• In this time of Pisces Saturn return, spend time in spiritual reflection. What is your connection to the earth and her ecosystems? What is your connection to phenomena beyond empirical evidence? What is your relationship to your humanity? Your soul? Where do you come from, and where are you going?

Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone and anything you wish.

we thank you

we thank you

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My First Animated Film - Part I

Beast & Beloved

(working title)

The following reading correlates with my first Substack Post.

TW: death, suicide, grief, societal failure, the acceptance of death and suicide

Our anxious Hero, an ant-like spirit, embarks across the perilous underbrush of a spirit dimension to rescue their Beloved. However, instead of vanquishing the Beast they held responsible, the Hero must confront their Beloved and the nature of Death itself.

That is the current logline of my first animated short film. Currently imagining the film as no more than 10 minutes.

I’ve been developing this film since 2021. It started with a vision. A vision of an ant spirit battling with a much larger death spirit, and the story unfurled itself from there.

Between 2021 and today, I received three small grants that have allowed me to start the development of a soundtrack and concept art. From the Black Music Grant in 2022 and two Scribe grants, the Next Level and Planning grants. We thank you.

I hope that I can generate enough materials with these funds to apply for much bigger funding to hire the artists and animators that would make this film possible. I already have such a lovely team of artists:

Kilamanzego and Auto worked on a sample track.

Rough Music Sample

Kilamanzego feat AUTO

Abayomi Louard-Moore has been working on character design.

Arantza Pena-Popo has been working on concept art.

Cybee Bloss has been outstanding logistical support and producer.

NOVA CYPRESS BLACK provided integral early concept feedback thanks to the Next Level grant.

I am an animation director but not an animator.

All of my stories, every single work you’ve seen of mine, I imagine animated. That is my dream art form. It’s the art form I think most accurately represents the nature of reality. With film, you manipulate existing elements, but with animation, you craft a world from its very atom (pixel) of being. You create the physics, the chemistry, the biology. When working on Smile4Kime, I quickly learned my brain is not well suited to the technicality of animation. However, it’s very suited for conceptual and spiritual translations, suited to balance multiple moving parts and realities. To lead and support a team. To summon worlds.

Progress

Here are samples of the early character design process. Through visuals alone, you can see the dialogue between Abayomi and me as we craft the Beloved (she/they) character. Abayomi does most of these, but the final concept drawing is by me.

Grey doodles of different shaped bodies of that are a mix of humanoid and insect imagery.

Dark pink shilouettes of insectoid inspired humanoid bodies for the Beloved. There’s an experimentation of where wings can could go or be rethought of.

A continuation of the dark pink shilouettes from above. The final drawing is a more detailed doodle where the beloved has a peaceful face, folded mantis-like arms, and large rounded thighs. This drawing influences the latest design.

This was the final drawing for the first round of character designs. This monochrome grey, black, and white illustration with defined ink brushwork makes a segmented insectoid-inspired bipedal body. The head has a large upper part resembling a beetle’s shell. We discussed how the markings on the beetle’s shell could move like a lava lamp and show faces opposite the Beloved’s genuine emotions. The segmentation didn’t feel quite right, but we had to wait for more funding to go back to the literal drawing board.

I did some writing and reflected on the story between the phases of concept art. These are some of my thoughts that were a result of that. Perhaps the Beloved is not simply a “worker ant” like the hero but an ant transitioning to become a queen ant. This would make her much larger than the hero, and they would have a different body configuration. You can see bits of my sketchbook that I brought into this Photoshop document and some inspiration. I wanted to find a way to make a spirit with insectoid qualities RATHER than an insect with humanoid attributes. I also wanted to avoid the snatched waist of many insects, including ants. I wanted her to be round, full of her potential for birthing (the singular role of a queen ant). The whole colony thinks this is a potential worth living for but does not interest the Beloved or ground them to this reality.

You’ll have to wait for the next update to see how the Beloved’s design evolved in the second round of character designing! Other updates will also include environmental concept development and the character development of the Beast and the Hero.

The Story ~ Spoilers in this Section ~

I am still summoning this story, and it will go through many rewrites with the help of Circles (check Next Steps below).

But, the essence is this.

The Hero thinks the Beast has kidnaped their Beloved, but that is not true. The Beloved has gone to the Beast willingly, as the Beast is a death spirit that tenderly ushers beings into their death. The Beloved has willingly gone to the Beast to die. The Hero must contend with that choice, and we witness the various levels of metamorphosis resulting from that decision.

Why this Story?

This story is about death. It’s about autonomy in death. It’s about letting loved ones go—Honoring experiences. Honoring death as a transition, not an enemy.

This story comes from the personal experiences of being a loved one of people with suicidal ideations. Accepting the autonomy of their lives was the only way I could genuinely be a loved one and not an anxious caretaker. I too have struggled with my place in this existence. Often I have felt like Princess Kaguya, waiting for my true family, beings beyond humanity, to take me home by any means necessary. But I persist in this human experience. That doesn’t make me braver or better than anyone who has transitioned out of this life by their own choosing. Death is not a failure, and that is why I want to make this film.

As a loved one of a person with suicidal ideations, how can we express our grief and love for the person without using our emotions to control the other or manipulate the other into staying with us? If we’ve lost a loved one, sometimes we feel sorrow or even rage. How could you leave me here? These are valid processes of grief, yet our American socialization of death can teach us that a person who transitions via suicide is a coward, is someone who wasn’t tough enough to make it. In black culture, we are taught to survive, that our only power is our resilience, our ability to continue to exist in oppression. This film is a lot of questions. What if one modality is not better than the other? Who makes the value system of survival?

My characters are not humans, nor do they even live on our earthly material plane. They are spirits with personalities and configurations drawn from insects, plants, and other decomposing things. There is African and Indigenous cultural influence from Zulu and Hopi cultures, specifically because both groups have folktales about ant spirits.

What if we remove the value judgement between what is the known, and what is the unknown? We demonize death because we do not know it—don’t remember it. I want to return the contemplation of death to the earthly cycle, to ancestor wisdom. Our deaths have become unnatural—our lives gutted by state violence, institutional harm and neglect, and destruction. Especially for black people, what does it mean to contemplate our lives, our deaths? Would suicide exist if we lived in a system that loved and nourished us? I think so. I think there will always be those called to the other side earlier than the organic dissolution of age. Death and our desire for it is not contingent upon the state or capitalism and our place in it/outside of it/in opposition to it. Death is a part of the cycle of all things.

I believe we can take our deaths back.

Our deaths do not belong to the police, the economy, or the state.

And in the reclamation of our deaths, can we learn to live more as one with the ecological rhythms of our home—our earth?

Next Steps

In this moment my funding has run out and I offer a pause for my visual artists. I don’t want to have them work without payment, unless if feels aligned with their spirit to do so.

My next mission is to begin diving into the script.

But I don’t want to do that alone.

I am looking for Circles:

Circles of artists, psychologists, death doulas, thinkers, dreamers, feelers, and more to be readers of my script and provide feedback. People to investigate these questions with. Could that be you?

My characters are not human. This provides distance from our human experience and explores death outside of institutions—at least for a moment. But this film doesn’t exist in a bubble. We bring with us the state violence, personal trauma, and institutional failure that affects us when watching.

Are you willing to bring your perspective to this script, to support it by molding it with many hands, many voices?

If yes, please email me: hello@malachilily.com

If you know someone who would be a good person for this community accountability feedback, please send them this blog post.

If you know of any grants that should be on my radar, please email me!

It’s always good to remember this film may shrivel and curl into itself at any time to make room for other projects. I trust the journey, growth, and death of this film. The world might not be ready, might never be ready. I try to move by listening, and in my listening, I’m continually given visions for this film. So, for now, I persist with this concept. Listening is an ongoing process, and I am willing to move at a root-reaching and snail-sucking pace.

Until the next update!

we thank you

we thank you

we thank you

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