Tarot Reading: Depression is a Dune Waiting to Dance.
This reading is connected to my December 2023 newsletter on Substack.
Winter is embalming, preserving us not in spices but in cold and time.
What feels like stagnation might be keeping us from decay. Here in the Northern Hemisphere, our Mother Earth asks us to rest.
In the slowing of winter, it feels appropriate to reflect on our relationship to depression, a common infliction that rises with the setting of the sun.
I’m not psychologically trained. I’m not a therapist or clinician. When I reflect on depression, it is from a personal perspective.
I have experienced depression most of my life, and that is a fact I’ve only recently accepted. For a long time, I confused productivity/activity with health. What looked like a “high achieving” child/young adult was a person who was profoundly ill. This illness flows to/through me in waves. ADHD can be triggered by low serotonin in the brain. While there is no concrete evidence that depression is contingent upon serotonin, it can’t be ignored that serotonin is the chemical messager that upholds mood stability. This year has been a crescendo of loss after years of heartbreak. I’ve had four breakups this year alone. This has been devastating, but it also felt aligned with my Lifepath One year—my relationship with individuality; you can read more about that in my September Newsletter. I’m ending the year exhausted, exceptionally low. I feel a hollowing in me.
A hollowing that threatens to dehydrate my spirit and grind what’s left into a noxious powder easily choked on.
My loves, when the world asks us to hollow, we answer by going deeper.
I will go deeper, asking questions of depression.
I’m speaking about depression from the standpoint of my energy work, and spirit, which may not be for everyone. My reflections are not a “better way.” I am only offering my perspective/the perspective of the beings who guide me.
One thing I will make clear from the start is I believe in medication. I think medication is just as much energy manipulation as what I do because I believe everything comes from the same source of energy. The trick is the intention behind that energy and what you do with the energy.
Earth has provided us with all the components for our healing through plants and elements; medication is a concentrated craftsmanship of Earth’s offering. The problem is the pharmacy industry, not the medicine itself.
I’m on prescription knock-off Wellbutrin for my depression, anxiety, and ADHD. It’s been very supportive paired with my spiritual work, as you’ve likely been seeing in my tarot readings.
I am both lifted and slowed.
The heartbeat of hibernating creatures slows profoundly. For black bears, “Active heart rates fall from 80-100 per minute to 50-60 per minute, and sleeping heart rates fall from 66-80 per minute to less than 22 per minute” (North American Bear Center).
Hibernation calls for a slowing of blood, essentially the slowing of our lives.
But depression turns rest into a loss of agency.
I can’t help but think about depression as a bloodbender. It forces my mind and body low. It crushes and controls.
A looping clip from Avatar the Last Airbender of Katara, a light brown indigenous teenage girl with dark flowing hair. She has large blue eyes, a dark red one-shoulder top, and a matching shirt. Her body is being controlled by Hama - an elderly indigenous woman with light skin. She has long white hair and is wearing a dark robe. As Hama moves her arms, Katara’s body contorts until she can’t move. Her eyes dart around, panicking.
We could talk on and on about WHAT depression is, but I want to reflect on WHY depression is. Why are we made to feel out of control of our minds and body? Why does our body drain of love for ourselves or motivation to do what we want or what needs to be done?
Not why, as in what the brain is doing, why from a spiritual perspective—a question of purpose.
I have a new divination tool. If you’ve read my readings before, you know I primarily use Enochian Tarot cards. You can read about them in my first Tarot reading.
It’s a magnetic poetry set for children gifted to me as a solstice gift by my friend and housemate, Eppchez. It was theirs from childhood. I’ve done three readings thus far, which were all quite potent. We can attune anything to divination; it’s simply about intention. This instrument did not require much attunement; I felt an instant connection. Magnetic poetry was one of my favorite “toys” as a child. It felt like reuniting with an old friend.
Essentially, I ask a question or a request of the words and then close my eyes. I then feel, mentally and physically, such as tingly in my fingers guiding me to the words. Then, I focus more on which of the words I touch, which is for the reading.
For this reading, I started with protection and asked my cards and letterbox (my current name for the magnetic poetry set) permission to use them (they said yes).
Then I ask.
What is depression’s purpose in our existence?
The letterbox gave me three words:
dune
turtle
fire
I then pulled out an Enochian Tarot card and received
74. LAIDROM (el-ahee-dar-oh-em) First Senior of Earth
A highly saturated image with a cream background. On top is an Enochian Tarot card and three magnetic words that read, “dune,” “turtle,” and “fire.” A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 74. LAIDROM First Senior of Earth. The artwork is a short light tan person with short blonde hair and a beard with a green tunic. This person has a feminine “sexual current,” according to the card signature. They have small green wings and are holding a sunflower. In the background are three huge dunes and below them is the mars symbol. The 74. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 74th card in the stack. LAIDROM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “First Senior of Earth” refers to the being that guides this realm.
I see the words form the structure of this reading.
Dune is the container of the message. It takes the most space.
Turtle is the narrative shift. It is brief but potent.
Fire is the answer. It leads us to the second card.
The defining words of the First Senior of Earth are:
Purpose, Will, Motivation, Aspiration, Rest, Good Health, and the Necessary energy required to accomplish a task.
When I was pulling a card for this question, I thought we would get a card laced with negative or low vibrational energy, maybe even this card inverted, which represents:
Lethargy, Apathy, Lack of purpose, Sickness, Lack of energy.
Now, those words sound more like depression than the right-side-up version of this card, but we were given the positive or high vibrational words to understand the collective purpose of depression.
Behind the angel of this card are dunes—an emphasized concept. That is where I’ll start my contemplation/interpretation.
Dunes have collective movement, shifting, and stillness–a continuous landscape.
I’m being asked to think of depression as a collective lesson, not a personal lesson.
This might be difficult because you want to know why YOU are depressed. But you are not a dune; you are a grain of sand, and you are not alone in this experience of depression. We are moving through it together.
Let’s recontextualize.
What is the purpose of depression collectively? Why is depression a common experience for the whole of humanity? What can we as a species learn from depression?
There are many versions of collectivity, so why the image of dunes?
“Dunes form when wind blows sand into a sheltered area behind an obstacle.” ~ National Geographic
This is an image of a collective that is sheltered into shape; one could even feel trapped. We are gathering behind the obstacle of depression.
The First Senior of Earth contains a “powerful sleeping energy” similar to the Kundalini. Kundalini is a word for potential spiritual energy. It is often described as a coiled snake at the base of the spine. This is very similar to the Sex Magick of Isis and the Alchemies of Horus, the version of this practice I am studying, derived from the Magdelen Manuscripts.
The “fire” divined from the letterbox is the Kundalini. We will return to that.
A dune is swelling potential energy, but unlike a balloon, a dune is a building energy that never bursts. It’s not a fixed space; we’re not truly trapped. A dune grows, but it also shrinks and changes shape slowly.
Is a turtle trapped in its shell? No, its shell is a shelter, its spine and protection. Depression is something innate in us, trying to protect us. Not all protection serves our needs and purpose. “Purpose” is the first signature word of the First Senior of Earth.
Through “turtle,” I am receiving the translation that depression itself is a conscious being, one that thinks it is protecting us, keeping us safe from a harmful world.
I appreciate the visualization of the conditions of the human experience in the show “Big Mouth” (Netflix). I think my point is well illustrated by the depiction of depression in the show.
A looping gif from Big Mouth of a huge anthropomorphic purple cat resting on the chest of a redhead preteen girl who says, “Oh, you’re a little heavy.”
In “Big Mouth,” depression is called Depression Kitty, and even when she puts self-deprecating thoughts in Jessi’s (the redhead) head, it’s to keep Jessi from situations of risk, situations that could get her hurt. Depression Kitty locks Jessi away in a metaphoric padded room in Jessi’s mind; she provides warmth and ice cream. Depression is a possessive friend.
Depression fuses with us like a shell to our spine, sealing away our tender parts, as “…a turtle’s shell is living bone” (Chattahoochee Nature Center). Depression’s protection is active, not passive.
It’s a protector of potential energy that is far too effective in its job, so effective that it immobilizes us from what we want or need to do. Depression manifests when we are navigating particularly harrowing circumstances. My childhood depression started when I was moved to a rural, nearly all-white school full of bigots. Parts of me muted and shut down to survive daily onslaughts of violence. Collective depression rises while living in a world with increasing creative ostrocities. The hopelessness is a surrender, and surrender can be mistaken for release and even feel momentarily pleasurable.
The key to healing is always accepting what you are experiencing. It is ok to claim you have depression, and it’s ok even to admit that sometimes depression feels good. Sometimes, the sorrow of depression is more comforting than facing a sharp, bitter, and uncontrollable world.
It may be time to talk to our depression. It may be time to say thank you to depression collectively:
Thank you for your protection, depression; I do not need you anymore.
Swirling gif of sand flowing off of dunes.
It’s not an instantaneous magick; the winds must pick up and reshape the sand. We must catch the wind to move out of the dune; the environment must line up just right. This could mean medication, therapy, habitual change, more sunlight, the use of affirmations, support from the community, and more. What and who will you gather as your wind? Then how can you direct that wind to ignite and feed your fire?
Dunes, turtles, and fire all share the commonality of heat. Warmth is not my first thought when I think about depression, mainly because my depression increases when it’s cold outside and I have less access to the sun.
All signs point to fire, to our smoldering potential energy. We were given the high vibrational words of the First Senior of Earth because the lesson of depression emphasizes what we want because we cannot access it. We potently feel lack. We will not learn from depression by fixating on how it hurts us; we are already living that hollowing.
When depression wants us to hollow out, we respond by going deeper.
We are being asked to focus on what is buried beneath the depression; only then can we understand this collective lesson.
Our fire, Kundalini, Ka body, potential energy, and life force are buried within us.
I’ll ask one more question.
How can we move through this depression lesson (cultivate our wind) to access our fire, life force, and Kundalini within?
15. OXO (Oh-tzoh) The Cosmic Dance
It is a highly saturated image with a cream background. On top is an Enochian Tarot card. A close-up of an Enochian Tarot Card that says 15. OXO The Cosmic Dance. She is depicted as a white woman with abundant purple hair expanding outward. She’s dancing on top of the earth with stars swirling around her. She holds a rose and a cross, symbols of masculine and feminine energy, as she holds both. To me, she is a transwoman who has chosen femininity consciously and unconsciously. She is a dancing goddess. The 15. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 15th card in the stack. OXO is the Enochian word for dance and the name of her region. She is the dance.
Kundalini has revealed herself directly to us in this reading! We called for her, and she answered!
We asked how we could reach her, and she responded, “Here I am! Come dance with me!”
She tells us our energetic, joyful life is as simple as claiming it. She tells us, “The ultimate purpose of life is to live.”
This can feel daunting, even frustrating, when we feel like a grain of sand in the center of the dune. We think the wind will never reach us to blow us into a new environment.
My Enochian guidebook says, “The Message of OXO is that all life is in an endless cyclic expression in time and space.”
The Cosmic Dancer contradicts herself; she wants us dancing with her right NOW, and she knows we are moving through a season in our cycle. We are not imprisoned or truly stuck. It may be imperceptible, but we are moving already. It’s the obstacle of depression that obscures our view from this movement.
Claiming our life right now is not the same as being cured of depression instantly, but it will put us in a mindset to move through this lesson with more ease.
I linked Sadhguru earlier in this article. He is a guru I’ve recently stumbled upon, and I appreciate his straightforward, accessible, and free explanations of the concept of Kundalini. I can’t speak for his further lessons or how much they cost, but I found these articles supportive. He writes about how dangerous Kundalini yoga is because of its potency. Our pursuit to remember our energetic potential is not a journey of impulsivity. It’s not a quick fix or miracle cure. Reclaiming your life force takes dedication and responsible care.
Leaping onto the dance floor for an all-night rave after months of sitting is going to hurt our bodies. We will pull something, dehydrate, and probably not want to dance for a long time after. We’ll feel discouraged, contributing to the hopelessness of depression.
Let’s start just by stretching or wiggling our toes. Stretch yourself with care. (No, literally go stretch; you’ll thank me.)
The opposite of depression is creative expression. I didn’t mean that to sound like a cheesy rhyme, but it’s true!
Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:
"I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself."
Take some time to consider your small steps through this lesson.
Maybe we want to pursue an established spiritual route like Kundalini yoga, the Alchemies of Horus, or other meditation practices. Let’s take it seriously, slowly, and step by step. Beware of financial traps along the journey. We have every tool within us to awaken ourselves. We don’t need fancy gear or expensive retreats. Many have gone before and left wisdom. We will be discerning in who we seek.
Maybe we should pursue a physical and neurological route. We pursue medication, exercise, gardening, painting, therapy, journaling, singing in the shower, play, and more. We don’t set our goals too high. We won’t burn out on the dance floor. The dancing goddess can and will dance forever. She’s eager and patient for us. We explore creativity and pleasure in little ways and let it grow.
Maybe we should do both? Little of Column A. Little of Column B. Maybe we’ll find they’re not even separate columns at all.
Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone, and anything you wish.