Tarot Reading: Be a Freak, Avoid the Loop
The following reading correlates with my first Substack Post.
Before our first newsletter tarot reading, here’s a brief breakdown of my perspective of tarot as a divination tool.
Well, tarot cards can feel more like a familiar than a tool. Picture the black cat at the witch’s side; that’s a familiar.
There’s a little more agency. It’s not just an object I’m using; my cards have chosen me just as I have chosen them. The old adage of tarot was that you must be gifted your cards to use them. While I don’t ascribe to that as a rule, I recognize that it speaks to an unconscious call to each other. You cannot help but find each other even when you’re not looking.
My cards were a gift like that.
Yours could be locking eyes with a box at a Barnes and Noble. That’s just as significant.
The point is the connection you feel, not how you received them. Your divination practice is a relationship between you and your instrument. Some divination practices are closed, meaning you have to be born or trained in that cultural and religious practice, and some are open, meaning you do not need to be raised/trained in that culture. Open practices often mean the roots of the practice come from so many different places it cannot be claimed by one culture/group alone. Tarot as a whole is an open practice, though there are suborders of tarot divination that are closed. Part of listening to your instrument is listening to whether or not the tool is for you to use.
You have a conversation with a divination tool and do most of the listening, which underlines that the cards have a voice.
This voice can exist as a feeling when you interpret cards. You feel the card refers to your client’s ex-boyfriend, or you feel the suffocating emotion you’ve been hiding come to the surface. The feeling could be a gurgle in your gut, a heat behind your ears, or something much less tangible and not bodily connected–the intersection between a psychic feeling and a psychic knowing.
Perhaps the voice is less about awareness and instead about interpretation, something more logical. Reading tarot cards can be simply studying a language and interpreting symbols. A practice based solely on interpretation means you’re likely the kind of person who watches or reads media and is quick to point out the underlying meanings of the choices of the director/author/etc. This voice is your own voice telling you what makes sense based on what you’ve observed and learned. That’s no less important than emotional or psychic interpretation. All of this is about witnessing.
I utilize both techniques above, but I also genuinely hear a voice.
If you have ever used tarot cards or another divination tool, perhaps you know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to a literal voice in your mind’s ear (the oft-forgotten cousin of the mind’s eye). I have done meditative practices to hear the voices of “inanimate” objects, but this voice I hear is not necessarily of the cards themselves but of those who agree to speak to me through the cards. They’re called my Realm of Beings, and we will discuss them eventually (and often). Don’t worry.
Before every tarot reading, I talk to the cards themselves and ask them for permission to use them. I ask their higher consciousness, and I hear an answer in my mind. So far, I’ve only heard yes.
I’m providing context for the voice of my tarot cards because if you’re going to read my interpretations of my cards consistently, you need to understand that my cards are SASSY. They go right for the jugular every time. Every divination instrument has a personality; mine have a heavy energy but are quick with biting humor.
Nor are they a part of similar systems that come before or after Rider-Waite.
My cards are Enochian tarot cards.
We could spend this time diving into Enochian magick, but you came here for a tarot reading, and I don’t want to delay much longer.
What I’ve learned about Enochian magick I’ve learned from these cards and their book. I haven’t studied in depth. It’s more like I’ve been learning from working in the field. Someday, we will get into the details of it all. You’ll be learning with me.
Enochian magick taps into a particular pathway of spiritual evolution. Many roads lead to “enlightenment,” “heaven,” “oneness,” or “enjoinment.” The path of Enochian magick is for those who wish to find enlightenment (using this broadly from now on) by going through a series of trials that break down the ego, release you from the human cycle, and “refine” you until you are everything/all things/all and nothing. That refinement is a series of trials and transformations guided by Angels.
The background is a batik quilt of many colored and patterned squares. The main colors are yellows, reds, blues, oranges, and purple accents. On top of the quilt is a book bound in a bright orange ornate pattern. This is my guidebook for my cards. I used it so much that it fell apart, and was lovingly rebound by a best friend. Below the closed book are Enochian tarot cards spread out in a short arc. The little bits of artwork seen are swirling pastels of different colors.
These planes of existence divide into the elemental Watchtowers of earth, air, fire, and water. Each plane is broken down into regions represented by a card, and each region has a different nature, environment, and just general v i b e. Inside the circle of Watchtowers are inner planes of consciousness called Aeythers that the Major Arcana represents.
Maybe if you’re an animation nerd like me, you’ve seen the “Together Again” episode of Adventure Time Distant Lands. I like to imagine the layers like that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers and creators of Adventure Time drew inspiration from Enochian magick or other similar magick understandings. However, Enochian magick is even less linear than Adventure Time’s depiction.
Each region holds a being or force that rules it with a message, trial, trap, or aid. These tarot cards are condensed versions of these different planes and regions.
Can you see why the personality of my cards is dense?
An entire plane of reality concentrated into a single laminated piece of paper.
Ok.
That’s the basic basics. Have questions? Stick with this newsletter for deeper dives in the future.
Without further ado, watch my cards come straight for my throat.
I asked the cards for a starting message and some guidance for the beginning of this newsletter, and the cards immediately called me out–so much so that I felt embarrassed and even considered pulling a whole new message. But I am choosing to trust the honesty of my cards. I’m going to leave this message here in its raw state.
68. NTTM (neh-teh-tem) *Kerubic Angels of Water. (Inverted)
*Kerubic is an upper-middle rung of Angel hierarchy.
The background is a square of a batik quilt. The batik pattern is blue and red flowers on a yellow background. The card has an orange sunrise cresting over sandy yellow dunes and reflecting orange and pink light on a deep blue sea.
The 68. is where the card itself sits in the overall order. It’s the 68th card in the stack. NTTM is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here, the “Kerubic Angels of Water” refers to the main kind of beings that live there.
Inverted cards are significant in Enochian readings as they give polar messages.
NTTM is a card of natural cycles, particularly renewal cycles where the sun (life) triumphs over night (death). The beetle-headed Egyptian god Khepera has a similar energy signature because they cause the sun to rise.
Inverted, this card means “bad beginning,” “lack of renewal,” and the one that stabbed through my Virgo heart, “disappointment.”
Oof.
I felt a palpable disappointment from the cards. I mentioned that my messages come through as my Realm of Beings, but an essential aspect of a Realm is that they are nonjudgmental. This disappointment was a judgment, so I knew it was coming from this card’s region as it feels what I am doing–this newsletter–is counter to their desired state.
These cards are showing me I am at risk!
I’m at risk of repeating my relationship with Instagram, but this time with Substack. As you likely know, I separated from IG because it was a caustic environment for my brain and self-esteem. IG was not just a social platform; I was trying to promote myself as an artist, but the algorithm would completely hide my art from my followers. It would only promote posts where I showed my body, which quickly became degrading until I couldn’t take it anymore. Many people whose careers I admire never had a social media presence or actively do not have a big following.
WE DO NOT NEED INSTAGRAM. IT NEEDS US.
I didn’t want Mailchimp or some other email service for my newsletter. I chose Substack because I found it the most customizable and aesthetically pleasing, but it also comes with a social media-like model of reposts, “notes,” comments, and likes.
What will keep me from fixating on my following and engagement? How do I not spiral every time I lose a follower? How do I not check my Substack 100 times a day every time I get a little engagement dopamine?
I asked for a counterpoint.
I asked for wisdom on HOW I can keep from looping again in this toxic social media cycle. They gave me:
20. KHR (keh-har), the Major Arcana card of The Wheel. (Inverted again)
On a yellow and black striped batik background with purple flowers, a tarot card sits. It has a cloudy blue background. Swirling around is an endless line of planets moving toward a yellow and red triangle with the Pisces symbol in the middle.
The 20. is where it sits in the overall order. It’s the 20th card in the stack. KHR is the Enochian name of the region. The bottom tells us the name of the leader or main force of the region. Here this is not only a region but a major force of the universe. That force is the Wheel of existence and life.
The contrast of these inversions is fascinating!
Like NTTM, the Wheel is a card about cycles. Right side up, the Wheel speaks to cycles' seductive and deceptive nature—how loops can entrap in comforting ways. In an esoteric sense, it highlights how the loop wants to keep us in the human cycle and not “move on” in our energy.
But the Wheel was inverted, which means “uniqueness,” “odd,” “different,” “one of a kind,” and “chance event.”
The cards are challenging me to break the cycle within Subtack by being an ABSOLUTE WEIRDO.
It became clear that even within the, let’s say, vibrant energy of my newsletter, I was still sanitizing myself, trying to make myself palatable even within my various eccentricities. Working so hard to make my strangeness more tame–my punctuation proper.
Yes, I should have a grounded practice and take my meds and herbs that help with anxiety and ADHD so that I am less affected by such social media ups and downs, but I also should be a freak!
If I lean into spontaneity, a little more impulse, and a little less overthinking, and pull back on the self-censorship, it will mean there could be so many more who dislike me, and that’s okay.
This is not a “fuck political correctness” mentality. It’s not fuck compassion or carefulness. But it is about fuck my anxiety that tells me to make myself small, that scolds me so I don’t take up ANY space at all. This isn’t about desensitizing myself to feedback; it’s about revealing far more sensitivities and raw nervous systems and chaotically firing synapses. This is MY newsletter. It is not for follows or likes. It's to be MYSELF and a place for others to find me if they so choose to and consume me if it delights them and boosts their immune systems.
It’s not about worrying if people think I’m too weird.
Baby boo, you real weird.
Yes, I am in my Pisces Saturn Return; how did you guess? At the center of the Wheel is the symbol of Pisces, which represents water. The triangle contains symbols for each of the four elements. It has masculine and feminine energy (like me). The Wheel contains all things. In this context, Pisces directly points to the current Saturn placement. For some of us, our astrological placements of Saturn are in Pisces, so we are returning to the Saturn that was in alignment the day we were born. Saturn is a teacher who calls for change and transformation in how we ground ourselves, find our commitments, and endure. Pisces is a water sign that is “dreamy” and speaks to a sense of fluidity and connection to psychic abilities or ethereal realms beyond our tangible life. It’s about finding spirituality and learning to be alone and a hermit.
This card is calling me to flow with my authenticity.
Maybe it will cause me to end up alone, and I must embrace that possibility too.
With this new information, I asked them, “What is my newsletter for?”
I heard a response.
I am a very imaginative ADHD person. When I sit to listen to my Realm of Beings or another guiding force, I must undergo several internal checks to ensure it’s not my brain. My brain LOVES to fill in the silent gaps. The true voice sounds distant, like it comes from somewhere far away, spoken through a little door in the back of my brain. I’m not sure why, but it has become a sensational failsafe for finding the answers through my internal cacophony.
The voice spoke slowly and said my newsletter would “mark the passage of time on my journey as a steward of energy.”
That’s it.
This is a glorified diary.
This is a timekeeper.
This is a tether to linear time.
This is archival.
Smudges on a cave wall.
A rotating display of cave art.
I wanted to offer some questions for your own reflection based on this reading.
Before your exploration, we (my Realm of Beings and I) ask that you start with a protection:
“I am safe and secure throughout all existence. My attention and energy only call what is of the highest good for myself.”
What are your goals in your life? What is your relationship to social media? Is social media supporting you to reach those goals?
How do you feel about the perception of social media? What does it mean to you to be able to watch, and what does it mean to you that others can watch you?
What are ways that you make yourself small? When is smallness useful, and when is smallness a hindrance?
What would you do if no one was watching? What would you do if everyone was watching?
What about social media draws your attention? Is there a way to find that interest or stimulation elsewhere?
How can you be more of a freak than you were yesterday?
How can you embrace your weirdo self, and is there someone(s) you want to share your weirdness with?
What if you were completely honest about who you were? If fears come up, write them down and then write counterpoints.
Ex: My parents would reject me — I would learn to cultivate my chosen family
Can you find some alone time to nourish yourself today or plan for intentional aloneness in the future?
Should you start a diary? Should you put that diary on display?
In this time of Pisces Saturn return, spend time in spiritual reflection. What is your connection to the earth and her ecosystems? What is your connection to phenomena beyond empirical evidence? What is your relationship to your humanity? Your soul? Where do you come from, and where are you going?
Always end your intentional reflection time with gratitude—to yourself, the universe, to anyone and anything you wish.